A Life About Rachel

Out of Time

2006-04-26T20:43:00.000+08:00

I had an evening exam. Bahasa Indonesia. Comparing today's experience and Microbiology, it would seem that Microbiology was a better experience overall. Shocking. To think that Microbiology was the module I feared for most in this semester.

I didn't have enough time to finish the Indon exam. But looking back, I never had time to finish the tests either. It's so hard to understand the reading comprehension and the passages. It's as if my brain can't take in the information. The sentences would be meaningless scribbles to me until I read and re-read them many many times. Needless to say, that would take time. How can?

How can I be so lousy? And how can they? How can they change the style of the Indon exams. I saw a past year test and it was a complete contrast. The past year test was peanuts (ok not that peanuts) but definitely elementary, so much more elementary than the new tests and exams which are so demanding. So many sections. Then the passages so long. Written in long and good and perfect Indon sentences which are worlds apart from the ones we study in the textbook.

Even though I forced myself to work as fast as I could for the 12-page exam script, still, I ran out of time.

I better do better for my history exam tomorrow. Gotta mug. Ciao.

confused

2006-04-23T20:55:00.000+08:00

I wanted to title this "stressed" but I realised i'm not exactly stressed, so i really dunno wat i'm feeling. I have microbiology exam tomorrow at 9am. I'm not entirely confident yet.. i'm still working on it.. i tink.. i just don't know what to expect.

Hope all goes well tomorrow! All the best to all who have exams too! :)

Museum Trip

2006-03-31T20:05:00.000+08:00

We went to the museum today. Jasmine, Shu Ann and I. It's for General Bio. For the first time in my life, I learnt that a museum exists within the walls of NUS.

It's the Raffles Museum of Biodiversity Research, situated at the floor below the Science Library. It's a quaint little place -- it's quite nice, really! -- tucked quietly in the obscurity of NUS. Or maybe I was the only one who didn't know such a place existed.

It's pretty resourceful, I would say, for a museum its size. There are hundreds of specimens and the little room is jam-packed with morsels of information, some of which so bizarre. Some specimens will make your stomachs turn; many others will just cause the hairs on your skin to stand on end.

One particular specimen really caught my eye, after which it sent numerous chills down my spine. It was this HUGE thick black hairy spider, the size of a man's fully outstretched hand (or even bigger). Here is what the sign next to it reads:

The tarantula or bird-eating spider (it's big enough to eat birds!! *faint*) is often sold as a delicacy along roadsides in rural Thailand and parts of Indo-China. It is grilled then served whole with salt or sliced and mixed with chillies.

Spiders, anyone?

I mean, I've heard of people eating spiders and locusts and scorpions and what-have-you, but this one is absolutely a killer for me. You have to see the specimen to know what I mean. Then again, maybe it's cos I've never watched a documentary on spidery delicacies before.. but I wouldn't want to.. ever.

The last DnD

2006-03-28T01:12:00.000+08:00

Dinner and Dance 17th March 2006 at the Hilton Hotel: A Pictorial Perspective

At the lobby.. before DnD started..

My table people

Ladies..tis is the guy who aspires to be a social escort. If you wish to engage his services, dial 1800-RHPresident. No whips allowed.

What the...?

The block 5 buddies dressed in.. grey!!! Their only trace of individuality.. their choice of tie..

Contrast: Young and Old. Think i look older without my specs, don't i? (If you're Evan, don't say anything..)

Check out the costumes. Li Ling is in korean traditional dress! (tho the patterns n colors look different from the one you see on Chang Jin)

Thought this was a pretty sweet-looking pic :) heh

Consumerism Alert

2006-03-27T14:16:00.000+08:00

Ever since Cheers, OldChangKee, NZ Natural opened for business at the ever-so-convenient YIH level 1.. they have done 3 things for me..

Drawn out the monster of Consumerism in me, so it no longer goes in hiding. Just been consuming AND consuming..
Helping to add to my already-thick girth..
Made me wonder where my money has gone to.........

At this rate.. it's whetting my appetite further and further.. in no time u'll see a broke and oversized rachel around.. can you imagine that now as i'm typing this, i'm craving for sushi and oldchangkee.. hmm i never tried ta-paoing sushi from genki.. wonder if i can do that..

oh no, rach! stop it!

credits: the term 'monster of consumerism' was borrowed from Cia, (my business mod grp proj member frm French-Canada but whose parents are Beijingese) when she used it in our grp meeting, albeit in a different way :p

Want me to blog?

2006-03-13T17:41:00.000+08:00

i haven't felt like blogging in a long time..

till now, still dun really feel like it.. if u want updates, this is not the place to be looking at now

perhaps one of these days i will post some photos.. photos are good when u dun feel like talking much..

till then guys.. adios.. *wink*

The invisible hand

2006-02-27T18:07:00.000+08:00

i nearly lost my wallet today. yeah. was really careless of me.. but grateful nonetheless that i suddenly felt the impulse to check if my wallet's with me before i left the computer cluster. searched high and low, couldn't find it, and realised that i had left it on the table with the staplers while i was stapling.. so blur rite.. and thankfully, it was in the care of the student manning the cluster..

Things like these happen. Like when i forgot to bring my umbrella back to hall, that week i was not affected by the rain. It starts to rain only when I just arrive at my lecture venue.

For a moment, i felt so lost and i didn't know wat to do.

But there You were, watching me. The way You always do.

Father Lord I thank You for I can always count on You

Even when I don't see You, I can't help but see Your hand move.

bleah

2006-02-25T16:50:00.000+08:00

Haven't posted in a while. Well, been at some other place i guess.

Think the only good thing that happened the past entire week was watching "i not stupid too". It was heart-warming and thought provoking, although some parts of the movie were very drama-mama. But still, some things still ring through. Why is there such a big rift in the youths and parents in the movie? Why don't people listen? Why are people so quick to judge? See how much hurt and heart-break all that carelessness can cause.

Now that the dumb break has ended, it's hello to school again. And i've two tests coming up, tue and wed.. ughh.. big UGHH. I think i can go on to rant about how lousy life has felt the past week and about how life sux to the core but think that's immature and i should know better than to rant like a pathetic juvenile. So, phew! your ears are spared. haha.

By the way, have you checked out the ivle forum on the fee hike? For NUS students, enter ivle, on right side click "fee hike response".. i tell you.. it's pathetic some of the responses.. can't imagine that's the kind of discussion(s) university undergrads can engage in. What's the world coming to? NUS should really take-stock of wat kind of minds they've been nurturing (though to be fair, it may not be the institution's fault all the time).

Happy Valentine's

2006-02-15T10:28:00.000+08:00

It was valentine's.. for those i didn't get to wish.. happy belated v day haha..

i was thinking of someone.. but so sad i can only wonder what he did.. i don't even have his phone number.. my eye-candy =p

Aunty cons just finished her 8th treatment today. I must go visit her soon.. i must! i've been delaying it becos of the assignments due on monday and the microbio test.. oh that horrid horrid test. Lecturer said he wouldn't test very technical stuff cos we were not life science students.. I dun need to go on, do I?

To end off this post, what better way than to exclaim and proclaim about the Phoenix, 45th edition!!! Oh man, it's beautiful!!!! happy happy :D I must say honestly, it's looks very pro.. and really proud of all our effort. It was tough making it, but certainly worth it :) Cheers to the Phoenix Team!! Hee!

To all who made the 45th Phoenix possible.. thank you.. and most of all, I want to thank God, for without Him, the strength, inspiration and perseverance would not have seen its best. The book carries my life-blood and without God, there's no way I could have carried on.

HIP HIP HURRAAAY!!

2006-02-08T00:14:00.000+08:00

Great job RHandball guys on bringing home the Gold!! YAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!

The energy.. the excitement.. the euphoria.. fantastic.. :D

Shit la.. why i never join sports in RH.. seems so exciting.. :P

And syl..thanks for coaching me in indon..but i tink i need more coaching hehe.. and btw, mission's accomplished *wink*

Smoke, erm, sand gets in my eye

2006-02-06T19:21:00.000+08:00

We were at the carpark, then a sudden gust of wind blew. Stuff got into my mom's eyes and mine. Problem was, mine couldn't be blinked out. Left eye teared and teared and i was very irritated n annoyed by the discomfort. It felt so unbearable ok.

Don't believe? Go stick something in your eye.

For the rest of the night at dinner, my eye hurt n seemed to be fighting some foreign substance. Today it felt as if i had sore eye in my left eye, but my eye isn't red, thank God. My dad says prob a minor cut in the eye that will heal on its own.. he had that before.

Isn't it amazing that something so small like a grain of sand can cause so much discomfort in such a sensitive part of us, such as our eye? Isn't it more amazing that God calls us, His people, the 'apple of His eye'? Meaning, the pupil of His eye, or His favourite. But i'm inclined to the first meaning, cos the 'favourite' usually refers to that one favoured person and there r so many of us.

So when God calls us the apple of His eye, rest assured that He will protect us, the way we fend off attacks toward our eyes.. for He will not allow even a tiny grain of sand to disturb the apple of His eye. Because it will cause Him pain.

It works out all for good

2006-02-03T15:53:00.000+08:00

I woke up at 9am this morning, when my indon class was at 8am. Felt pissed so continued sleeping and woke up ard lunchtime when gil phoned. Felt kinda lousy at first.. then decided life goes on.. when i went to pack lunch, i bumped into a friend i've been thinkin of for a while.. so it brought a smile into my heart.

On the way back, I crossed paths with danny.. didn't know if we were gonna greet each other.. but we did! Just greet and walk past.. i was so glad we said hi and not just walk past.. i've been thinkin of him, wondering how to start saying hi, wondering how his life has been.. so for today, that's two happy things :D

I began to think that i missed my class for a good purpose today, so i could bump into them. Haha.. Okay hold your tomatoes, hold it.. don't start throwing...

The case of the oversatiated rachel

2006-01-31T21:03:00.000+08:00

CNY's fun! I mean.. well it was pretty boring this year.. but it CERTAINLY beats going for classes haha.. but i can't continue this over-indulgence so i'm glad to be back in hall..

What over-indulgence(s)?.. well i wonder if it counts under the 7 deadly sins.. but..

Over-sleeping, over-eating, over-watching of cable TV and over-lazing around like a big fat pig :p

So if you catch a sleepy, dreamy, oversized rachel around.. don't be alarmed :)

Here and there

2006-01-27T02:27:00.000+08:00

I'm so happy and glad that RH Handball guys beat TH at the semis!!!! It's exhilirating.. and the score was 22-21. SO CLOSE. phew. Really hope we win at finals. GOOD JOB GUYS!! WE LOVE YOU!!

Wed was really going out day. After class, gil syl and i went to JP to shop. Gil n Syl each bought a pretty purple top.. hehe.. then after shopping, came back to hall and watched Reverie in concert at LT 13... Oh man.. his voice: mesmerizing. I prefer their style far much more than Dubious...dubious what? forgot..

And thursday.. my class was at 11am.. and i overslept!! first history tutorial somemore!! Thank God today was just a get-to-know-you session. i can hear my alarm for 8am class but not 11am.. silly man..

Chinese new year is almost here... HAPPY BLESSED CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!! I'm looking forward to bakkwa!!!!!!! RH cell was really nice today.. i miss cell and great to have it back.. i love my friends too.. i think i really really really will miss RH real BADLY when i leave.. :p

Trivia

2006-01-24T15:17:00.000+08:00

Rachel is guai 2 mondays in a row. Woke up and went on time for her classes, haha.

Business seminar 9-12 as usual.. quite alright.. was doing case study reading while students were presenting (multi-task rach :p) and phew thank God, managed to finish it in time for open discussion.. Well i went home on last thur nite cos had headache and giddy spells and fri, sat, sun.. i didn't do any reading at all *ahhh....* Was mainly sleeping and sat did some shopping wif my sis.. can u believe we spent 300 bucks in all, but it's between my bro, sis and i lah.. Now i'm waiting for reimbursement haha.. keke

So you know wat.. i fell asleep at one point in the microbes lecture later.. couldn't help it.. but after the break i could listen attentively.. and i'm so amazed at my lecturer.. it's the guy i mentioned before.. the grandfatherly kind.. head full of white.. but as he lectured he shared some of his life anecdotes and my goodness he talks about his garden, his wife, the delicious cakes his wife bakes.. the food he likes to eat.. and straightaway i thot.. 'rach, tis is the ideal kind of husband lah' ... heheheh.. seriously, i tink he's the kind of guy i wud want to marry.. well i hope the other lecturers are as nice.. cos this course there are 3 lecturers who take turns..

I'm about to end tis post and prepare to go for my history lecture. See, rachel is guai now right.. going for her classes... muahahahha.. :p Although today i needed syl to drag me outta bed.. cos today 4pm class only.. lazy to wake earlier.. haiz. but need to la.. readings piling up.. tataz.. and I"M LOOKING FORWARD TO CHINESE NEW YEAR!! Woohoooo.... :d

What I want

2006-01-18T00:30:00.000+08:00

Okie, yes.. I've changed my blog look again..

Things i want:
1) A new mouse. probably wireless too.
2) the phoenix. oh i want this so badly. Please God, please let it all go smoothly.
3) My health.
4) A new perspective on life. A new attitude. A new hope. Too bad this isn't something i can buy. I've to refresh my take on life.

Fellowship teaching today. It was great. The speaker spoke things so real and so true. and so timely. Made me consider my attitude and realise my attitude and perspective for the past year really sucked.

What do you do with the one life God has given you?

It's just like if you were given an entire fortune, would you squander it? Would it be wise to do so?

Criminal negligence.

Think about what you would do if you were given a fortune to spend. And then realise that what you have is worth more than a fortune. You have a life. Youth. Talent. Passion. Leave behind a legacy.

The impeding part now is my health and stamina. I no longer feel as young as I used to. I walk up a long flight of stairs briskly and I pant badly and I get choked up. I carry a pail of water and I get chest pains. I get my period and my whole world turns upside down. What is this? Why am I so useless now? I wasn't like this a year back.

I watchlighted, trained watchlighters, taught cell group, camp comm two years, announced for service, attended BSF, attended cell group, studied, did hall activities. Then it all stopped.

Nevermind the past. I can always start again right? But my health discourages me. And the doctor said maybe i should check my heart. But you will pray with me, won't you? That my health be restored. So pray with me..

No monday blues

2006-01-17T14:01:00.000+08:00

Yoz peeps! How's everyone doing. I had an enjoyable Monday of lessons, which is amazing becoz the day started with a business seminar from 9am-12pm.. and you know, being monday, kinda hard to drag myself outta bed. hmm actually that can happen any day.. but the point is, i enjoyed my classes yesterday! heh.

The business seminar was over so soon..3 hours passes quickly when it's fun.. the lecturer is this real nice and hilarious lady.. typical RGS outspoken bubbly unconventional kind (ok im guessing she's frm RGS).. and come the more amazing part.. i attended the Microbes lecture for the first time (life science module).. he ran out of notes so i went with him to his office after lecture to get the notes. strange only i went cos a few others were lacking notes too. anyway, he invited me to sit n chat if i had the time and he was explaining some lecture stuff to me and about how amazing cells are! haha he's the nice grandfatherly kind.. he goes home to lunch with his wife and he seems like this ideal father/grandfather figure you can imagine.

Well, it somehows brings a smile inside my heart to know that nice people still exist. :D

And i bumped into Weiqiang who told me he also added child language at first, then dropped it later just like me and the first lecture had a 10% test which his friend told him was real hard.

Which made me happy again. That i dropped all my core modules and decided to take all electives. I'm still graduating this sem, but with shared major instead of single, i can afford to take all electives this sem.. so say hello to 1 business, 2 bio, 1 history 1101e and bahasa indon!

Oh, handball thrashed the opponent in the prelims. Aiyah but its prelims. Handball is one of the stronger sports. It'll be more exciting to watch at semifinals definitely. And i think EVERYONE played well la, ok?

So in short im glad for the long exhausting Monday, especially with headache blah and etc the entire day.. but I made it.. thanks to You.

Back in hall

2006-01-16T00:09:00.000+08:00

I'm back in hall.. yups.. juz moved some stuff over tonight and staying over. Have a morning class at 9am. And Monday's gonna be a long day tmr, 9-12, 2-4, 6-8.. but i'm looking forward to it.

I wanna start my week on a right foot. :)

I'm gonna finish up my readings and go to bed. I'm ok, dun worry about me. Rest well my dears and darlings.. see you guys soon! :)

Dark Shadows

2006-01-14T01:51:00.000+08:00

I went to sch to buy textbooks today. Then I went to rebond my hair at my mom's cell member's house. She's a really nice lady. First time i went to her to do my hair. We talked. First time we talked.

Also first time i cried in front of her.

We were talking about our lives in general and certain christian experiences, and i happened to talk about my uncle and about now, his wife's predicament. (It's been discovered aunty cons's dad has lung cancer).

I feel sad for aunty cons, and i cant do much except pray. But that was not why i broke down. That pain tugged inside me again. I miss Tua Koo and i feel awfully guilty.

Guilty that in his last few days, i was not at his side all the time. That while he was in a coma and then passed away, i was not there.

I didn't even know. They didn't tell me. Cos i was sick and in bed at home.

It pains me that i was not there when he died. And they didn't let me see his body. I couldn't hug him before they took him away.

I'm sorry I wasn't there.

I came home and learnt that yihui's grandfather passed away at 5pm. She said she was the last one to arrive and 5min later her grandfather passed away. I saw Douglas's dad pass away of throat cancer. I saw the shadow that came over his face. He looked as if something left him -his spirit- then he was ashen.

I don't know if that was the same thing that happened to Tua Koo, my father-uncle.

I feel tired, and i feel the need to be alone for a while. I'm very tired of sicknesses happening around and life-and-death cases. I'm afraid.

I don't think i can be around you all the time aunty cons, in this difficult time of yours. I dunno if i'll be with you at ur grandfather's funeral, yihui. I'm sorry. I'm scared. I shouldn't hide from these issues - it's life afterall. But i'm a weakling, I'm not strong enough. I know, just shoot me. i can't take the pain and sorrow. i'm an emotional person and am emphathetic towards others but ever since my own loss, it's just been different. i can feel your sadness and pain cos it echoes of mine, and i'm scared of that. It haunts me.

I'm sorry I won't always be there.

Stock-taking

2006-01-13T01:32:00.000+08:00

You know wat? The publisher got sick and is now hospitalised.. well, nothing much to do abt that.. but i DO want my phoenix real soon..

On another note, it was great to have popped around hall today for tea.. to meet friends and all.. feel the rhythm of hall.. well, i'll be moving in real soon! mom helped me clean room le..

And suddenly, i'm reminded of how blessed i am.. to have really dedicated people around me all this while.. my mom who's helped me a lot and done a lot of me ever since i fell sick.. to have a car to use so my mom can chauffeur me around.. have friends like gill, syl, venk, jon who are always great company in hall.. friends like char, jo, yihui, shawn who i know i can always talk to though our paths seldom cross now.. and fazley, who as i think back, has been a great source of help and support both as a friend and a forum sec the past year.. i tink without him i barely could have survived.. and yes i thank God i survived the past sem.. its amazing in hind-sight, how everything went wrong, was dismal, stressful, depressing and tiring for me.. how i was struggling in my studies.. and i actually made it through.. it seems like a dream.. God, it must have been You..

Having said that load, i'm really excited about 2006.. i'm excited about my new modules (tell u abt them another time) and i'm excited abt graduating.. and though im starting to be stressed with the immense schoolwork, but there's something about this year that makes me feel it's a fresh start, full of hope.. hmm year 2006 must be a year of hope.

To put it simply, looking back at 2005, i can only say.. i'm grateful. truly grateful. To everyone, and of cos, to Him who makes all things possible.

A brand new year

2006-01-10T23:29:00.000+08:00

Hi! A new blog for the new year.. not bad huh? :p i spent a day giving my blog a "face-lift" and learning how to edit simple html codes. WOWEE!! I feel like a new person in a sense, cos i never tot i could ever understand even the simplest of html-related stuff hehe.

How's the hols been? Sch's started now. Taiwan and Hong Kong weren't that fun.. more than half the time spent travelling in a bus moving from city to city in Taiwan, courtesy of a not-so-good organizer and an inexperienced bus driver who loses his way occasionally.

Before I came back to Singapore, had already caught an annoying cough.. and is still coughing away, courtesy of the weather.

But hey hey, cheer up!! it's a brand new year.. a fresh start to things.. and of cos, MY LAST SEMESTER in NUS!! Yay that's motivating enough!! :D

Regretful

2005-12-18T19:12:00.000+08:00

I think I'm a pretty bad blogger. Don't blog as much as i want to. But well. Think there's enough cooped up so far to spill it all out.

I don't enjoy this vacation. For the record, i'll say it again. I think this is the worst vacation so far.

And I'm going away this Sat -- christmas eve early morning -- and coming back on New Year's day. But I don't feel excited at all about the trip. Only feel apprehensive. Don't feel like moving. Or doing anything. I'm too tired.

But perhaps it's good. Don't feel like christmas this year. Not sending any christmas cards. Not going for any christmas parties.

I just hope I have better fun at the trip.

In case you haven't noticed, this blog is mainly for me to divulge the dissatisfactions i have. If you can't bear to read stuff like that, go read something else.

What on earth is wrong with me? I feel bad and tired of so many things. I just spent my past 12 days in the way i do not wish to. I've only done phoenix stuff and watched cable tv at home. yes phoenix stuff. when i thought it would be over soon. it's driving me mad, desperate, angry and tired. I can say that although i do agree it's a more handsome package than i expected, the last spurt was done purely out of obligation. it's been to tiring. With finally shuyi and i holding the fort, and when she left for japan, i nearly died while doing all artwork finalization by myself. should have been finalized already, but some color-proofs didn't turn out properly. So i had to struggle with photoshop and indesign -- totally not my forte. Probably my superslow laptop made everything worse.

And i sought my only enjoyment so far this vacation by watching cable tv, and yes, stuffing myself with lots of food. I think i seriously put on weight.. no listen.. my belt is too tight now. *gasp* you can't argue with something like that, can you.

So with a not-very-exciting vacation so far, cable tv surfing as a most unhealthy pastime, and a terribly most unsightly gain in waistline (no time to go into the horribly maintained complexion and horrendous sleeping/waking habits), gosh... it seems like i could have a huge lot i could ask for christmas. It doesn't help that i feel awful for not visiting lydia and shawn when their baby boy arrived. And feel bad for not spending time with yihui and friends who've been asking to catch up. I don't exactly feel like a very sociable person at this time. sighs.

You know what? Aunty Constance is facing another crisis. The brain tumour removed in 2001 (they removed as much as they can without damaging important nerves) has grown somewhat. She is gonna start on radiotherapy early next year then review if there's need for brain surgery. I dunno what to say to her. I went to MS yesterday with huimei and prayed for her. I told her and she replied me, "I'm ok and will accept God's will." It's puzzling to try to think what God's will might be. What if she survives like the last time? What if she dies.. God's will is beyond us.

For all the friends I want to catch up with.. and who I promised to catch up with soon.. hope to see you before I leave for my trip.. take care and keep beeping me to get me moving :p :p

"Take Me"

2005-11-29T18:56:00.000+08:00

A song still in the making...

Verse:
Take me from this place
Far from all this mess
Help me find Your face
And feel Your warm embrace

Take me from this place
I can’t carry on
I need all Your strength and grace
To make me whole again

Bridge:
Father can’t you see the state I’m in
Is not a pretty sight
I’m desperate for something more
I’m sick of my old life

Chorus:
Won’t you come and change my heart
I give my life to You
I hand You the keys of my heart
Come do Your work inside

Father I surrender
I’m sorry for taking control
Now my life is Yours alone
I hand myself to You

-29 Nov 05

Take me away

2005-11-29T17:49:00.000+08:00

I have an exam tomorrow, 9am. It's my last paper. But I havent started preparing.

Was very down and disturbed. It was into those moods again and I couldnt break out of it last few days.

In case you peeps have not been updated, I've shifted back home before the exams. When my last exam ends tmr, i might go back to hall to pack my stuff cos i only brought home my books.

Thot staying at home would be better for me when i was feeling down. But especially yesterday, it seems like it made no difference. I can still crouch in a corner and weep in spite of myself.

How do I study when my mind is disturbed. Don't talk abt studying, my normal life doesn't seem to be functioning well even. Eating, sleep, etc..

How do you prepare for an exam when you wish you could cease to exist from this earth?

I wish I could feel better. Today I tried. I read my favourite psalms. I wish i could swallow a pill that can take all the sadness away and make me burst forth with joy. But I know that pill is Jesus Christ. But it doesn't seem to work immediately. Think i need to persevere.

I feel trapped. I end up asking God to take me away. Take me away.

Yet not my will but Your will be done.

All the best for exams!

2005-11-25T00:14:00.000+08:00

Hey guys, wanted to blog for a while but never got down to it. Since i've a paper later today at 9am.. here's just to say, all the very very best for the exams, and may you receive the results you desire. For those who i've recorded your exam dates, you are in my prayers. And to those who are praying for me, thanks a lot peeps!! =) God bless!

Oh crap

2005-11-11T03:49:00.000+08:00

Great. Just great. Bumped into gil at the toilet and she asked if i had any classes the next day. I answered no. And just when she left i suddenly realised today(when it was b4 midnight) was thursday and i missed one review lecture, not to mention i missed my medical as well cos i fell asleep around lunchtime.. yup.. the pains got to me and again right after dinner.. it was so terrible that my entire dinner got flushed into the toilet.. well.. oh crappy day.

Anyway wat do u tink of the following story..

You are a little kid, kindergarten age. your parent brings you to the playground to play. you're delighted because you love the slides, swings and see-saw. Up you go on the swing, with your parent behind you pushing each time you swing back. Suddenly you feel the momentum decrease and you stop screaming "weeeeeee". the swing slows down and you look around, wondering wat happened. you call out for your parent but he/she is not there and you realise you are all alone in the playground. darkness envelopes.

This story was playin in my mind earlier. and i was the little kid.

A nightmare while you're wide awake.

On my mind..

2005-11-10T11:22:00.000+08:00

Things on my mind right now..

1. Stomach pains and the sickening discomfort. Steer clear, dun annoy me.

2. My ownself frustrating myself by not being able to churn out ten pages worth of essay yet. Suddenly a random thot came, 'i hate being an arts student. i cant write for nuts.' But it'll prob stay a random thot. Definitely happier in arts than science. Either too much on my mind now or i'm too dry/drained to write. (But this writer's block has been sustained for nearly a week, a lil long-drawn though.. ugh.. i dun believe myself)

3. Suicidal thoughts and fantasies. Yes it's totally irrational and i totally agree. It just shows how f-ed up my mind is, or has been. It's beyond me and unlike me. The most bizarre thots juz whizzing in and out of my mind. The saddest illusion tt gets stuck somewhere in a crook of ur head and you let your tears drive them out. You can't explain them. But you wish they would stop tormenting you. Can there really be a dichotomy between you and your mind?

4. My screwed up bio-clock. Hope it gets corrected soon. At least today syl managed to wake me up successfully by knocking on my door. Well, im still awake and blogging.. hope i stay awake and be productive although i cant guarantee i won't get knocked out by the stomach pains.

5. My medical appointment later. The nurse just called to remind. I really dun feel like going. And rach please remember to reschedule the appointment that's two weeks later, you won't want it to interfere with the CDA exam.

6. Whether i really should move back home next semester. Wonder how the roof renovations here are gonna be like. But yesterday after rhcf cell, i realised i would miss the cell very much, after being able to find a cell i like after so long. On another note, thank God the top-level room i wanted (just above mine) was taken by Shuyi. I tot i would get it cos my rank was 7 and rank #6 withdrew her place in hall. But if i had gotten that room, this paragraph would be abt worries on being 'gone with the roofs'.

7. The lack of time and energy i have for the exam prep. My first paper is exactly one week from now, november 18th. My eating habits, my skin that is festering in pimples and other kinds of acne, my hair that's curling. What happened to clear, radiant complexion and nice rebonded hair? And sitting in my chair thinking what a pathetic faggot i am. Wake up rach!! (alright 'faggot' is a wrong choice of word and inappropriate usage but i juz needed to scold myself).

I shall end here. It's obvious I want to stop at point 7 isn't it? Seven is a nice number. Like it. God made the world in seven days, and on the seventh day He rested. Wait, does that mean He made it in 6 and rested on the 7th? Then why do we say God made the world in 7 days? Hmm..

very unproductive day

2005-11-09T01:11:00.000+08:00

i don't think i did much today. kinda disappointed couldn't finish my essays. Sorta lack of mood to finish it as well.. doesn't help that exams are fast-fast-fast approaching..

and i felt so sleepy from midnight already.. *bish bish* was in commhall with syl and other CE pple cos they hav test tmr.. n i literally felt my eyes closing..

oh.. last nite was rather interesting, so let's talk abt last nite. 'Can U Make It' Finals... not bad.. i tink evan's rite.. RH has no lack of talent tis year. really very entertaining.. irwin and mira v well-coordinated n hilarious, they deserved champs! haha.. jiexiao's dance was real shocking but his char shao bao got me laughing till i had to hug my tummy.. n the quote of the day from evan to jiexiao:

"you look like a striper from Mortal Kombat"

haha.. i had so much fun laughing.. also at the final yr dance when tummy showed.. his tummy! wahaha..

oh ya.. i was the emcee also, w huiwei.. last min arrowed at 8pm juz b4 the finals.. had fun doing it cos it was all crap n spontaneous.. n it got me tinking.. sometimes life's a stage.. all fun, entertainment n nice.. then show's over, fun disappears, all the energy's gone..

And you realise it was all just an act...

Nothing but an act.

Stuck

2005-11-07T17:41:00.000+08:00

Alright. This is rather silly. But I got stuck writing my essay. (It's the first one, second one haven't start yet ugh!) So i got stuck, got bored, and decided to crap here.

Feel a lil lousy i missed my vocal class today.. n somehow, that led me to think of two things. One, should i carry on with the classes. Two, i always want to do so many things, so how do i choose? Three, should i continue staying in hall next semester..

Dunno how i ended up pondering about point three. Perhaps cos home has its many comforts e.g. home-cooked meals, the company of your ever-lovable siblings, not needing to do ur own laundry... But hall has ONE main benefit.. proximity to school...

Hmm anyway.. the finals of 'can u make it' is tonight.. but somehow i feel like bringing myself somewhere, tie myself to the chair, and finish my two essays, and get started on exam prep. tot of doing tt juz now, but haf too many books sprawled ard my table im using for reference for my essay......... but well, tink shd go watch finals tonite, cos tink it'll be quite entertaining haha..

To all 'can u make it' finalists... all the best tonite! :)

P.S. Anyone know how to stop spam in comments entry??

2nd entry n group-mate issue

2005-11-07T02:04:00.000+08:00

well.. on thur (public hol), i attended aaron and ee von's wedding.. was nice seeing them and catching up with church friends.. and seeing lydia's really, really BIG tummy. She's due to deliver next month.. and that's really FAST.

i dunno.. i guess.. many things are changing.. life's really moving fast. Thinking back, Tua Koo has been gone 6 months already. 6 months, 6 days to be precise. But yet, i dun tink im adjusting to his absence that fast yet.. but that's another thing.. dun want to talk abt it here..

this academic semester.. i tink i pushed myself rather hard schoolwork-wise. Even tho it's been very hard, n it was harder at the beginning when i fell sick quite frequently. It was tough cos emotionally i had to adjust my expectations of myself and not be too reproachful of myself when i fell sick or had an attack. I was really quite upset inside.. cos it was v different fallin sick frequently when you used to be healthy n strong.

i dunno how many pple can really emphathise w that.. its like, adjusting to a new body altogether..ur body didnt used to be like tt. I got quite sad cos i felt useless and sick, (didnt tell anyone tt) but thank God for his sustenance and the prayers of many pple, i started to get out of tt mindset n didnt see myself as useless. On top of tt, a lot of hidden grief, which i chuck one side, sometimes dare not allow myself the space to grief. Afraid of how i'll cry, how i'll get stuck in the past.. didnt allow myself to see the funeral photos of video, cos when i do, the tears just roll nonstop.

I must admit here.. i was depressed many times in the semester. at times just wanted to disappear under my covers. sometimes punish myself by not eating, but more often, punish myself by over-eating. Sounds absurd rite? Countless times i just wanted to escape frm everything (which is common among us, i believe), but i dragged myself to group project meetings.

I'm the kind of person, my own personal things (ie things tt affect only me e.g tests) i give lesser priority than group things (ie things tt affect pple other than me e.g. group projects). So for group stuff, i dun want to drag anyone down, cos its not fair to others. so i pushed myself real hard, considerin i had like so many projects tis sem, the most ever i had in NUS.

N particularly for one module, we had 2 major group projects (amongst other components) and hence many group meetings. I really grit my teeth and scolded myself when i started to complain to myself. For the experimental proj, i remember for 2 weeks i worked way past into the nite to figure out how to use the software smoothly. Then tried rough recordings. Not clear enuf. So kept refining. I refined till the older files i deleted to save space on my comp. N had to test the experiment on pple, tho the stimuli stil nt very clear. I kinda remember the group members decided, since im the only one doing the entire experiemnt (preparing stimuli n conducting it..) they said i didnt haf to do the report part..cos i spend a lot of time on the software le. Which i rightfully did. Then somehow for the meeting they wrapped up the report, i was asked to be present (i didnt argue, just went) and i still edited the final report.

But somehow i can sense a certain person didnt like me from the start already and it was clearer on that day when they were wrapping up and i had to leave earlier cos i had cell..

But i tot, dun tink too much la.. cos afterall im not supposed to be involved in the report rite? Anyway project 2 came along.. n i remember tt one i was not able to provide as much help cos i was lost but i did attend.. ok one note here is tt i didnt attend every single proj meeting there was but not everyone did anyway cos of different schedules.

So after proj 2, immediately we had to finish a mini project 3. Tis time i had to give priority to phoenix (other times i distinctly gave priority to projects) cos the project 3 presentation was a week later. So the part i was supposed to email, i emailed one day late. N i explained myself, apologised, and emailed them my part. But i put in a lot of effort in it, 2 days worth of work, neglecting my individual essays, n proven when the lecturer commented "good" in 2 questions i came up with.

Then the shock came. Its kinda obvious our group work's kinda come to an end. We only haf the mini proj 3 presentation to do. That certain group member emailed the powerpoint and said since noone volunteered, she did it. I didnt dare to volunteer cos i can only do it later after i finish my 2 essays. Then she said some stuff, obviously pointing to me, which i tot was quite untrue.

She said she thinks the group did well considering they were going on the strength of 4, not 5, cos of a certain group member who didnt do her fair load of work, thinking they can all be understanding toward her situation but everyone has their own commitments as well, *n some more stuff* then at the end, she actually said smthg like.. to that person, i want you to know, i will never choose to work with you again if i can help it. She also said she knows the rest feel the same way, bt she's the only one voicing it.

I was truly amazed. Cos to accuse i didnt do my fair load of work.. gosh.. wat was she thinking.. n i never asked them to be understanding toward me..tt apologetic email of mine only came with proj 3.. n 2 days before this email, another group member emailed (to me only) in response to my apology and said smthg like "all in all, i still do think u're a responsible person, tho u scare the crap outta us sometimes heh.. all the best for exams.." At least that is still acceptable.. i dun think i'm a perfect group member, but i certainly dun think im a delinquent one.

But that got me thinkin of my attitude this sem.. tho i pushed myself v hard w my projects, i cant say i looked at my best each time i attended a meeting.. perhaps tt's why one of them misinterpreted..i duno.. most of the time i look either stressed, or tired. But to say they went on strength of 4 instead of 5.. its implyin i didnt do anything! well.. since she thinks tt way, n seems firm on it.. even if i reply that email i guess it wont do any good.

Guess wat.. we still gonna present proj 3 on tues.. waliao.. tis is the part of group projects i hate.. misunderstandings between group members, the pple dynamics. But its part of life, so welcome to the real world.

My ramblings

2005-11-07T00:41:00.000+08:00

Hi there.. guess i've never blogged again ya.. yihui have u been bored? paiseh.. anyway did i mention i started vocal classes?

Just started..tmr's supposed to be 4th lesson..but i didn't do the homework.. anyway i tink she's tryin to make me sing soprano..never usually sing so high..really testing my higher range..tho she knows my voice is more 'middle' range.

u noe, today i visited my maternal grandparents n my paternal grandpa. Feel kinda bad never visit them so long.. so despite 2 essays to do, decided to make trip down.. They were glad to see me, which makes me feel guiltier.. Mat grandpa seems to be skinnier, tho he says his weight has been stable.. Pat grandpa seems to be doing better with the physiotherapy.. he has better control of his right side.. n he kept clasping my hand, both hands. After taking the mod in psycholing, i realise it's really very very tough when u lose ur ability to speak.

Anyway..me got exams in less than 2 weeks..first paper on 18th.. then both sides of family told me, don't push myself so hard.. just do what i can.. (smthg to tt effect).. i also dun want anythg to happen to myself..must really pray hard, pray for me too k.. last attack was nearly 3 weeks back, but seems better controlled lately, thank God.

N seriously, God has really been watching over me so tightly. I must admit, i have been flippant abt my sleeping times and all to finish work.. and phoenix tis sem nearly really killed me.. my bio clock is really v screwed now.. n i pushed myself so hard last 2 weeks, im really thankful i was fine. I don't blame phoenix or anyone. some stuff's not abt blaming. But at least i'm thankful i learnt many precious things out of tis, and skills too! like doing a bit of photoshop and indesign.. not very skilful but at least not so goondu.

But my mind is still not settled.. a lot still whirling in my head (not phoenix la.. abt schwork, my purpose n stuff..one email i received).. can't really write my essays.. hmm i know i need to pray more. But while i did QT earlier, i fell asleep on the chair! arghh! been fallin asleep a lot these days... discipline!! :p

nothing can change the fact that you're gone

2005-10-11T04:20:00.000+08:00

Aunty Cons and i talked over sms that day. I told her i fall sick more often than usual recently.

"Ask TK to pray for you. He loves you very very much".

I deleted the sms immediately, not cos of religious or ideological or whatever, disagreement. But cos of pain.

(Some Catholics believe that the dead can still pray for the living when in heaven.)

You are gone. And nothing can change that fact. Nothing can bring you back. Nothing will change the love you've shown me.

It's not fair. Not fair that no-one (except God) can understand how i feel, cos to others, you're just an uncle. But to me, you were the father i never had. Not that my biological father is a bad father; he just doesn't know how to be a good father.

And that pain.. it comes from deep within.. it sears.. it echoes of this: how will life ever be the same again? The empty space in my life. The gaping hole in my heart.

I am sorry. I'm so sorry. That you couldn't see me graduate, get married, have kids. That i can't take care of you in your old age. That i can't do the things with you i wished i could.

I wish i could. I wish i did. i wish i had. i wished.

Me Against Myself

2005-09-30T14:38:00.000+08:00

Sharing this song, cos i think i identify with the lyrics. Not cos i was the lyricist lah. I wrote it trying to feel what the characters would be feeling, but now when I look back at it, i feel like i'm me against myself too.

EYESHADOW - A Raffles Hall Musical Production, 14 & 15 Oct 2005. A story of an Asian girl who embarks on a modelling career in New York. Was being talent-spotted really the best thing that happened to her?

Me Against Myself (Act 2 Scene 7: The Split Song)
Music by Rachel Tan S.H. & Evelyn Ho K.Y.; Lyrics by Rachel Tan S.H.

Prelude
Ambition; delusion; my sanity is threatened
Confusion; dilemma; identity forsaken

Spoken: Searching; screaming; seeking; struggling
Fumbling; stumbling; crumbling;
I’m shaken

Natasha:
Tribulation seems to strike me
All at once I don’t know how to take this
Now my world has fallen apart
Someone please wake me

Andre:
Hear my senses start to mock me
It’s too cruel I don’t know how to take this
But it’s clear I can’t lie anymore
Help me face it

Natasha: Feel I’ve lost all that I had
Andre: Lived a life that never was
Together:Why do I make such a fool out of myself?

Chorus:
I am torn in my own self
Stand aside, make way for the lost one
Take me away, I can’t see myself
Guilt inside, overrides
Who am I?

Natasha:
I met a guy who tried to warn me of this end
But I didn’t listen and he’s gone away
How could I’ve been so foolish to lose both him and me?
I have been my greatest enemy

Andre:
All these years I kept a secret I could not reveal
And now I’ve broken up my marriage I know sorry’s not enough
I have lied and let you down I caused you misery
But I’ve a past I need to hide, can you understand my plight?

Tog: Why does…
Nat: Tribulation seems to strike me
And: It’s too cruel I don’t know how to take this
Nat: Now my world has fallen apart
And: Help me face it
Nat: Feel I’ve lost all that I had
And: Lived a life that never was
Tog: Why do I make such a fool out of myself?

Chorus:
I am torn in my own self
Stand aside, make way for the lost one
Take me away, I can’t see myself
Guilt inside, overrides
Someone inside I can’t hide

Chorus 2:
Nat: But I’ll move on and I’ll be strong
I’ll not be down so long as there’s still
And: Hope’s the reason to carry on
I’ll start anew and brave the future

Nat: Fear abandoned, escape’s not an option
I’ll do my best to do the right thing
And: Though my path has been so dim
The light now shines so ever brightly

Tog: I’ll move on and I’ll be strong
I’ll not be down so long as there’s still
Hope’s the reason to carry on
I’ll start anew and brave the future

Fear abandoned, escape’s not an option
I’ll do my best to do the right thing
Though my path has been so dim
The light now shines so ever brightly
I’ll start anew and brave the future
I’ll not give up so long as there’s still hope

Messy

2005-09-01T02:59:00.000+08:00

(this section is here cos i dun haf a tagboard.... venki the gebiz is settled for now, juz hope that things btwn me n prof teo are fine n he has no hard feelings toward me... and who is -licious???? hmmmm)

Jane happened to pop her head into my room today. First time she saw my room this sem.

She said, "juz wanna see if your room looks the same from last time" (background info: last sem my room was totally unruly n untidy)

Then she said, "your room still looks very packed". A surprised me looked at my desk n oh, realised the mess was piling which i had overlooked in my busyness. Cos juz a week or 2 ago, someone said my room was very neat. (when my table was clear).

Haha. Wats my point? Well i was juz thinkin.. mess n clutter can juz build up overnight under your nose.. n sometimes we dont even realise it, (if we're busy or blur) until we cant find our stuff or when someone else comments..

So like spiritual life, isn't it? When we get caught up with doing stuff, we ignore QT, or only can haf time for superficial QT.. then we actually haf the mess piling up more n more in the room that houses our spiritual being.. dust, dirt, clutter, cobwebs juz build up.. when do we realise a clean up is overdue?

remember always, your spirit is within u, whether u choose to acknowledge it or not.. n not doing the regular housekeeping in your spirit will most likely cause an unruly area.. which i think we all rather avoid.. surely we don't want someone to hop along and realise even before we do that we are in urgent need of housekeeping.

Explanations

2005-08-24T10:31:00.000+08:00

Sometimes in life, you do so much explaining that you get so tired of it. Just need to put an end to it.

What am i referring to? Well in general...but it was triggered by the explanation after another I need to write for the phoenix payment ever since the system was governed by GeBiz. Needless explanations.

You get drained by such matters in life.. and when u think u need to do some needful explaining to some people, you run out of energy and just drop it.

I just go, "Sigh God, i'm tired. Please forgive me." and hope that God will somehow intervene.

Well, not too good, you might say. You may be right. But you might also emphathise with me..

How are things at home? I think my siblings are really adorable and cool and sometimes our parents really frustrate us. bleah. but maybe God let things happen this way so that siblings may be more united? Not united that we go against our parents; but united that we are there for each other. Like how between siblings we can cry in each others' shoulders n encourage one another.. i think that's the point of having siblings as emotional support..

Why don't parents just understand.. how many times must i explain certain things to them?

Grandparents are getting.. well i cry when i think of them sometimes.. grandma seems to be slightly worse.. her nerves not responding well or something.. life is so fragile.. think chunleck said this before: love them while you can.

We don't pray for the dead, but for the living. We serve a God of the Living, not a God of the dead.

Missing

2005-08-16T03:43:00.000+08:00

Missing: blogger of sapphiredust.blogspot.com who has been missing from this space for a while.

The leads police have gathered so far point towards blogger being known to have a tendency of being swarmed with work. Rumour has it that of late, blogger has an extremely tight deadline to rush for her annual publication which is due for publication in a couple of weeks and the current work is over-ridden with problems. The public hopes that the problems solve soon and the blogger may return to society as quickly as possible.

Anyone with information please call the police or post a comment. No reward though.

Make Time To Pray

2005-08-05T03:05:00.000+08:00

I got up early one morning and rushed right into the day
I had so much to accomplish that I didn't have time to pray
Problems tumbled about me and heavier came each task
"Why doesn't God help me?" I wonder
My child you didn't ask
... ... ... ... ...
I got up early one morning and paused before entering the day
I had so much to accomplish that I had to take time to pray

We might really be very busy people. But no matter what, always remember to make time to pray. As long as God is in the centre of our lives, everything will fall in its right place.

He is the Vine and we are the branches. Apart from Him we are nothing and can do nothing.

Be connected

F L Y A W A Y

2005-07-21T13:05:00.000+08:00

Came across Corrinne May's website. Cool songs. Visit www.corrinnemay.com/ and can listen to portions of all her songs under "album". Told you it was cool.

Saw the song "Fly Away" which I will append below. I heard it once a long time back. But this time as I heard it, i felt different. I could feel it--the psyche of corrinne when she wrote the song. My eyes ran tears when I thought of you.

At the news of your death, I collapsed. For 2 days i had laboured breathing. Felt like my lungs were compressed. Could only lie in bed and I thought I was going to die, the second time after this asthma came about.

I know your death is a fact. Nothing can change that. Only can face it. Yet precisely, you're gone. Nothing can change the fact you're not here anymore. Things are not the same. I had wished you could be brought back. But I know that's selfish. You've gone thru far too much in these 4 years. You held on for your loved ones.

You let me fly away from you to pursue my life and my dreams. I shouldn't be selfish and want to keep you. It would be cruel to make you stay.

Perhaps you already knew. That's why just before you left for your pilgrimage, you came to visit me, hold me in your arms and cried. We said we'll see each other soon after you're back.

The day you came back, you got admitted to intensive care. Then you were gone. Baby fly away.

F L Y A W A Y
Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo
Copyright 2000, Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP)

When will you be home?" she asks
as we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer
to where my dreams may lead
She's watched me as I crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
and yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and
Silver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying
"We need you. Please come back"
When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Musings of a Hermit

2005-07-21T11:46:00.000+08:00

This is where I am--my home
Away from people, high up in the mountains
The sun greets me cheerily in the morn
The drops of rain sing a lullaby to me
I take refuge under my big tree
Sheltering me from the many storms
Keeping me company, in a place where is no other like me

I wake, and my tree is gone
There is no rustling of leaves or breeze against my cheek
My surroundings have changed
I am here, in a place with people
They call out to me and I answer
Yet it does not feel real
But this is where I am--my home

Feel like crap... yikes!

2005-07-07T11:55:00.000+08:00

As i'm typing this.. i feel like vomitting.. ughh. Grandma called but i had to put down cos i felt so queasy.

it feels really like crap u know.. to feel ill, incapacitated.. i feel reduced.

after all d stupid side-effects i haf to go thru.. now tt 2 drugs' dosage haf been reduced to hopefully tail off these 2 drugs.. i get so called "withdrawal symptoms".

body's got to get used to d change in dosage. Bad pounding headaches.. nausea.. weakness.. loss of concentration.. whatever.

haha.. but at least syl's sms on tuesday cheered me up. She juz came bk to s'pore, earlier than expected.. n sms-ed me hee..

N i really shouldn't be complaining.. yups i shouldn't. whatever discomfort or pain i'm experiencing is juz nothin compared to wat stephen experienced (as portrayed in d speedlight skit), or wat our Lord Jesus experienced.. (tt is like a BIG far cry), n of cos wat Uncle Joe went thru.. or wat my grandfather is going thru rite now.

I really thank God that this small illness is nothin compared to the suffering of those pple. And besides, Dr Loh's gut feeling is tt this is temporary, n it's not cancer or anythin.. so i'm takin his advice for now. :)

And grandma called..cos..guess wat.. family stuff again. Yesterday she was quite distraught over d phone, cryin n all n i had to console her. Now it seems like things w Uncle Joe dun juz end w his death. Seems like there's an impending blow-out betwn Uncle Joe's wife n Uncle Tom. Seems like so much misunderstanding.. but Uncle Tom told me yesterday face-to-face.. it's not speculation, rachel, it's not.. it's an 8-yr problem but u dun haf to believe me...

Sigh. The people of concern r my grandparents. they r so frail n so heart-broken over family squabbles. i know they dun want to see wat happened years ago repeated.. family separation n severing of blood ties.. the severing ties stopped when d first medical crisis struck d family in 2000 with Aunty's Cons's brain tumour.

God pls dun let another thing happen to stop all these grudges. Jus let the evil stop. Right now.

f.r.i.e.n.d.s.

2005-07-02T23:27:00.000+08:00

Friends. Friendships. They make part of life. Cordy's blog had v nice photos of her bangkok trip wif ivan, ling n gang. Reminded me of the bali trip i made wif leck, pete n joanna 2yrs back.

N i havent had time for trips since then. Or friendships. When i wanted to meet yh, i wasn't well. We both haf so much to catch up on.

She was right. We really led separate lives the past 2.5 years. Her card made me cry. But the lyrics of an evanescence song comes to mind.."there's juz too much tt time cannot erase". We both loved the same guy. I can only blame the guy, after leaving me, of all the girls he can choose he had to choose my best friend. I didn't want to lose her, so i gave them my blessings. But not knowing, i actually lost them both. But it's not her fault. Now they're no longer together. When she cried over the phone, i hurt for her and wanted to go over to hug her.

Over the years when we suffered separately in silence, i made a friend who reminded me a lot of her. This time, this friend was a guy. Then i dunno wat happened. Again, i was alone. The friendship ended abruptly.

I hurt. And it didn't stop there. The similar pain 2.5 years ago tt i tried to numb myself from got revived. It was horrible. And i had to ask myself, "Why?" Why did it happen. Again.

But this is life isn't it? We fall down, and learn to pick ourselves up. We lose some friends, but God sends others. We juz got to let go, n let God. We got to be patient.

But those that really impacted you, will leave their traces in your life. They can never be erased away. They become, your "immortals". But you haf to learn to face it, not run away like i did. Else you'll be running your whole life. These unfinished chapters of your life have to end properly with a full-stop. Otherwise u can never begin a fresh chapter properly, and the story of your life will haf many unwritten pages in-between. Traces of unresolvedness.

The choice is yours. God gave us all free will. The power is ours to use it for His Glory. Keep believing.

My 3rd entry for the day, huh? Heh. Well, savour it. Maybe i won't haf time to write in days, weeks? Who knows? I dunno. Let's live a day at a time.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own"--Jesus (Matthew 6:34)

wat am i doing..again?

2005-07-02T14:15:00.000+08:00

Again the question.. wat am i doing..

Am i trying to do so many things again, just like before? But i AM really doing MUCH less now cos of less stamina.. or is it i can't cope wif this little bit of work.. or is there really so much happening thats taking me away.. or am i tryin to do as much as i can now.. am i pressurizing myself? i dunno...

Sometimes i sense my family thoughts inside of them.."where are ur priorities?". I know they want me to take care of my health. U think i dun? I am.. i'm taking lots of care.. but i can't juz drop every single thing rite

I did, nearly everything, except Phoenix. Like i said b4, it's my baby. how to let go now? And i'm busy wif family stuff.. i tink its the family stuff tts way way more than Phoenix.

My sister is on MC now..she's not feeling too well. I dunno if she'll make it back to sch in time to finish sec 4 this year. But the doc thinks she needs to rest now, else she may crack.

My aunt.. as usual.. some adult friends suggested WiCare for her..its a support group for widows.. i'm finding out for her

But praise God grandpa's health is rather good. In another 4 months, if he improves wif medication, he'll be discharged frm the regular checkups. And we juz stopped chauffeuring my grandparents around.. cos we couldn't keep up wif it.. n they dun want us to tire ourselves too

Do things around me seem more settled? Well.. it certainly seems so. I must thank God. Things will move on; life still goes on. So keep going, but dun walk alone. Walk with God. :)

Even my dad's brother juz got married. But i dunno wat to comment on his marriage. i mean, he's kinda retarded cos of a high fever in childhood tt left him not quite normal. They kinda enticed the fillipino maid to marry him. Her contract wif them was ending n she was gonna leave. She wasn't interested in him. I mean, come on, be real, you're gonna haf to take care of him his entire life. But they went over to Philippines to look for her or something.. n gave her jewellery n stuff. Before i knew it. They wed.

Well i guess my dad n his siblings feel more assured for their brother.. hoping that the filipina will take good care of him.. we can only hope for the best, right.. haha. i laughed cos i got reminded of tong xin yuan, the chinese 7pm drama serial. But Dayang is 100 times more likeable than my uncle, to be honest. N if she's interested in d family inheritance.. even if there's ample left.. she has no idea abt the family politics tt could take place. Haha. Tong Xin Yuan really is quite nice to watch.

So back to my life.. wat am i doing.. i dunno.. i think i'm juz praying for the best. Hoping to regain my health real soon. Hoping my sis returns to sch too. Hoping my family gets over our grief. And hope i get over my own grief. I think they forget sometimes tt he was a father to me. I end up having to console them, with tears inside i can't show.

What am i doing?

2005-07-02T13:54:00.000+08:00

What am i doing? I dunno anymore.. juz so many thots swirling in my head.

Supposed to meet YH for dinner yesterday but suddenly didn't feel well n couldn't go. Had this bad headache n slight fever.. was highly irritating.. all this while i was tryin my best to read thru farah's draft and Master's Message for the Phoenix. Couldn't even absorb properly...

I've decided.. i'm slowly weaning off the steroids and inhaler on my own. i stopped steroids for 2 days liao. Dun care anymore. Feeling of having to take 7 medicines everyday sucks bigtime. It's slavery u know.

Blood pressure..104/52. Well at least it's not 94/54 anymore. I used to be 120/80. Anyway.. thyroid tested negative. So that's ruled out. ECG was normal. Except pulse rate was 54 per min, a bit low but still acceptable. So only one more thing to do.. CT scan

But chest pains dun seem to be worsening. So i'm taking easy frm now. Parents really want the scan but i dun want it. at least not now. No.

i mean, stil can't rule out possibility chest pains n numbness in fingers n hands due to side-effects of medicines. Though if it was thyroid, would haf been easier to explain all these symptoms i'm experiencing.. but i kinda knew when they were drawin my blood tt it wasn't thyroid.

Perhaps trembling and tremors can be explained by the medicines. But the numbness? Sudden loss of feeling/strength in hand? Weakness.. chest pains? To do wif this newly diagnosed asthma? I dunno...

I must admit.. i feel very changed in my body inside.. i feel handicapped.. not the same anymore.. n to be frank.. sometimes i am scared. But i dun want to think so much. The doctor's words.. "your positive family history".. positive doesn't mean positive literally, u know. I must reject all that in Jesus's name. Cannot give in to fear. Because fear is not of God. And perfect love drives out all fear.

"Your faith has healed you" -- Jesus

Need release

2005-06-27T13:45:00.000+08:00

trepidation. suffocation. exasperation.
engulfment.

asphyxiation. desperation. tribulation.
seeking emancipation.

Who knows? Who cares? Only God has the answer.

Only God knows, truly and really.
My Light and my Salvation.

Thinking out loud

2005-06-22T02:28:00.000+08:00

Was really nice to have Ying call me and we chit-chatted a bit about my health and we came to this point where he said smthg like, early detection is better.

Dunno why but after we put down the phone, that thought kept ringing inside and i was pondering, is early detection really better? I mean.. i remember that day at the Urology Clinic when I accompanied my Grandpa for his checkup regarding his prostate..

Doctor: We think the nodule could likely be cancer. Do you want to undergo the biopsy to confirm it's prostate cancer, and if it's cancer, undergo treatment for it?

Grandpa: Doctor, I'm happy I've lived to this age. All of my friends who did a heart bypass like me have all passed away, but I'm still alive after 15 years. I don't want to go through any treatment of any sort. My own son died of cancer. So I don't want to go through the biopsy.

Doctor: Uncle, if i were your age, i would have made the same choice as you. I think it's a good decision. Dun worry abt it. We'll checkup on you again but we won't do the biopsy.

My Grandpa is 75. I was touched when he said he's happy to live till this old. And a few times he would hold my hand or hug me, and i mean like recently.. now.. This is the same grandpa who often brought me to swim at the bedok public swimming pool when i stayed at Blk 32 and buy me an ice cream after that. And i was always so happy when grandpa brought me out to swim and how we'd hold hands and walk back to Blk 32.

Looking at my grandparents, i really realise, especially after the demise of Uncle Joe, that life is short, and how we make out of life is basically how we prioritise, how we choose. And i realise that i may not have my grandparents with me for long. They're old, and fragile.

Perhaps when I see my paternal grandfather being fed with the nose-feed at home for the past few years cos he doesn't eat food, or rather doesn't want to eat food. And he breaks into a tantrum when it's taking medicine time. I wonder.. does he not eat cos he chooses not to eat and wishes he could die naturally and not be sustained with all the nose-feeds and drugs that prolong his suffering? Just that he can't talk or write out. Until today, he can only make a few sounds with his voice. I see him and I feel sorry. I think stroke had been very cruel to him. He used to be so independent, travelling on his own on public bus. And now can't speak, and largely paralysed and probably very frustrated at his condition.. doesn't want his life to be prolonged artificially. Hmm i dunno..

And then i tink of myself. Dr Loh asked me, how old Uncle Sebastian and Uncle Joe were when they died of thymoma cancer. Sebastian (my mom's cousin) died at 38 and Joe at 50.

He said, even if i do display the symptoms of thymoma cancer (which is part of Uncle Joe's fear, i suspected later, which he did not express), i have at least 10 years, in a way. And he said i'm really young and so the likelihood of cancer is low, though he can order a chest CT scan.

And i thought nvm, shelf the CT scan first, cos it may really just be asthma. Though after Uncle Joe passed away, i surfed the net on thymoma cancer, (v little info tho), and one website said the common symptoms of thymoma is chest pain, breathlessness and dypsnea, which I experienced in my recently diagnosed asthma. Thymoma is a gland situated in the chest.

And early detection.. hmm can it even be detected? Uncle Sebastian died within 6 months of diagnosis and it took the docs 6 months to find out what was wrong with Uncle Joe before they diagnosed thymoma cancer stage 4B. He was just ill for nearly a year and they thought it could be stomach, liver or spleen problems. You see, unlike some cancers, thymoma has no marker so it's hard to detect. You can't do a blood test. And X-rays don't usually reveal the cancer either cos i remember Uncle Joe went through countless X-rays as well. I do remember Uncle Joe telling me that thymoma cancer is a slow-moving cancer and to arrive at stage 4B the cancer probably started a long time ago and he joked that since it moved so slowly he won't die so quickly.

But i think God will reveal in His own time and somehow i think i'm rather safe and healthy still. I know i'm 22 and not 75 like my grandpa but i do feel the same way. I'd rather not find out. Not like treatment is painless. Afterall everyone's gonna die one day, it's a matter of when. I guess i'll just live life like how Pastor Rony says..live today as if it's your last day.. live life to the full..

Isn't that the more important thing? Not how you will go.. but where you will go after you die.. and what people remember of you after you die.

So believe in making a difference.

It's Father's Day

2005-06-17T18:25:00.000+08:00

More than two weeks since i updated my blog, huh? Could only be I'm busy or I'm sick. Was quite ill and was "down" for 2 weeks with this nasty sore throat and cough. Doctor didn't want to give me antibiotics so soon cos I've been thru so many antibiotics and on increased steroid dose but when the sore throat stayed for a week, he gave me antibiotics..

Couldn't really function well, felt very drowsy and other side-effects.. got quite frustrated.. felt really like a slave to my medicines.. that time was 8 different medicines.. now it's down to 7..

Had medical yesterday and doctor did a blood test to test for thyroid to rule out that one of the side-effects i'm experiencing is not due to a thyroid condition. He said he can't rule out it may be due to the combination of drugs i'm taking, and he wished he could cut down the drugs.. but at the moment, i'll have to obediently take my medicines.

And to those i told about my chest pains.. it still happens at times, but we not doing a chest CT scan for now cos doctor thinks chances of a tumour at my age very unlikely..though we'll keep monitoring the pains and doctor thinks it could just be muscular spasms.

Although still have to hear the opinion of the doctor from NUH (i'm under the follow-up of 3 doctors now; 2 from UHWC and 1 from NUH) when she does the lung function test for me.

But things look optimistic.. one more week of increased steroids till cough is better and then i can return to usual dosage.

And these few days I've been thinking of Father's Day, which is coming.. and i've been thinkin of Uncle Joe. I miss him, especially when my own father is so distant and doesn't know me. He's just someone who leaves the house early in the morning and returns late at night, and sometimes doesn't come home at all. Someone who earns money to provide for me financially.

I miss talking to Uncle Joe..how we'll talk and how he's always concerned about wat's going on in my life, and he really cares. I miss being able to go up to him to give him a hug. Miss seeing his lit up face when he sees me and his cheerful hello. When i was younger i would sit on his lap. Someone encouraged me to start hugging my own dad. But i dunno.. the thought of it is soooo weird..

Now I guess I understand how losing a dearly loved one is so painful. No wonder Aunty Cons is in constant grief and I just don't know how to console her. Both Uncle Joe and her led a lover's life--just two of them--married for 20 years.. no wonder she pines for him.

Someone who lost a parent told me that he thinks he never really got over his loss. It's just so.. i can't find the right words..

It's a huge painful void. I don't think anyone can take the place of Uncle Joe. Happy Father's Day.

Happy one month anniversary Uncle Joe

2005-06-01T12:29:00.000+08:00

It's your one month..later Aunty Cons and I going to visit you..so seeya =D

Ever wondered why my blog is called sapphiredust? well.. it's to do wif a Phoenix dream i have.. Hall pple will know wat Phoenix is..anyway.. my 45th Phoenix (45th is sapphire) is somethin i'm lookin forward to.. it's like my little baby, u know.. somethin that holds lotsa meaning for me..

Jus like when i wrote my first piece of lyrics..co-written wif danny then, "Love Will Set Me Free".. that lyrics felt so special to me cos it was the very first piece of something that u created that u liked it, n knew it was good.. Did i mention the poppy soundtrack..okie talk abt it another day.. too bad it arrived 5 days after Uncle Joe passed away.. but I know he knows.. =)

Well same way.. i hope my Sapphire Phoenix will be good.. my little baby.. and my entire phoenix team, i told them upon recruitment to look upon themselves as creative designers of a book.. so Phoenix will become our joint creation.. hehe

And these are messages to my frens.. (someone teach me how to create a tagboard)..

To my galfriends..
Yahwee ..how ya doin..found job yet..=)
Syl..how's yummy medan food hehe n your blog ah!!
Cordy..you blessed blessed gal, basking in L.A..haf lotsa fun n buy me..erm..wat do i want?heh
Gil..some of candace's presents to the CG are still wif me =P remind me abt it hor thanks

To my guyfriends..
Tristan sure sure i'll let you know when..
Fabian..haha now u know..n you working in LET now ah?????? heh
Terence you are a blogger too!! haha..
Ying!! HAPEE BURFDAE to you!!! =)=)
Shawn oh shawn..yoz..how's d going bro?
Zhenhong u wanna lunch one day when i'm near ur workplace..tink next wk i may go there
Faz..i clinched one deal today..for phoenix!! hehe *beams*
Renkang..hey bro i'm glad u r blessed by my sharing..continue to keep d faith..Joshua 1:9..send my best wishes to the rhocers =)
Ah Leck..when shall we celebrate my bday..it's on u rite..hehe

Can't get to sleep so hear me ramble

2005-05-26T02:15:00.000+08:00

BE WARNED, THIS IS A LOOOONG ENTRY. Well, couldn't get to sleep =p

Had Wan and Jo visit me in the morning..thanks gals for coming..it's been so long..i read the card and i cried..all those JC memories and happy times got brought back..you are great chums..Char gal, heard u working..keep in touch k =)

I did very well during the visit..could talk and yak so much heehee *guilty*.. but guess wat Wan, Jo, after you left i happily fell sweetly asleep after lunch..ya the greedy pig slept the entire afternoon haha and when i woke at 6.30pm i was still slightly in a blur when some fellas came unannounced for a surprise visit.

There they were..Gilly, Fazley, Evan and Yanchang with a birthday cake and flowers (which gil said had a funny smell but i dun smell it heh).. Haha thanks guys.. we ate dinner in my room and watched "mulan" on my laptop.. was much fun esp after so long..

Grandma fell down in the bathroom yesterday..2nd fall in 2 weeks liao..thank God she didn't break anything. But Grandpa and Aunty Susan had to haul her up on her feet cos she couldn't get up after she fell. My grandparents sigh.. not as ambulant as they used to be.. visited her yesterday night and reminded her to use her walking aid wherever she goes even if its to the toilet..not to mention her eyesight is bad like anything cos of diabetes and cataracts.

Grandpa also has diabetes and cataracts but able to walk on his own. Thank God. He goes to the Adoration Room in church to pray everyday i think. But he had 10 tests run on him that day at his medical at Changi Gen Hosp Geriatic Clinic (did u know that's a field of specialization in the elderly? well i didn't) cos of his drastic weight loss and a nodule found in his prostrate. So pray that results will be good.. He also has to do an ECG another day to check his heart because he had a heart bypass operation in 1990. And the doc was quite amazed my Grandpa's still alive after 15 years cos the heart bypass in those times can only extend your life a max of 10 years.. but like i said.. God is GOOD.

When the nurse drew blood from Grandpa, reminded me of the times i have to go thru blood tests and thank God yesterday's medical didn't call for one. My veins are thin and very hard to draw blood. And reminded me of Tua Koo (Uncle Joe) who ran out of veins for the nurses to use that they had to use the vein in his neck. Poorthing he always yelped when they have to poke him cos they can't get the vein and MO after MO try until they have to call a nurse to try to reach the vein. So hard for them to find veins that they leave the needle in him for a week or two instead of changing the insertions every few days (the usual policy). When he was in ICU before he passed away, they couldn't find a vein so they could not monitor his brainwave activity. Only when his blood pressure and heart rate became zero that they pronounced him dead.

Grandpa and Grandma don't have many people left now that their son has gone. Only one son and one daughter (my mom) left. And me, their eldest grandchild whom they took care of in Blk 32. Of cos they have 5 other grandchildren but my siblings have little bond with them cos they were fostered to another family and my cousins are so young. The eldest, Brennan is 10 and just recovered from pneumonia.

Uncle Tom is a pilot, always on flight. And this time he has to work a lot more cos of the many leaves he took when he took his brother into his house and helped take care of him. Uncle Tom was very upset when he got passed over for his promotion as Colonel cos he didn't clock in enough hours in his flying log and cried when he told my grandparents that. I feel sorry for Uncle Tom, for the sacrifices he's made for Uncle Joe, that he has to take care of 2 elderly parents, a young wife and 3 primary-school children.

Sometimes i feel as if i haven't done enough but there's no point in going into that, is there? Only ends in a slippery slope.

So together with Mom, i try to help more now, whenever i am well enough to. We bring Grandparents for their medicals and to church now cos Uncle Tom has to fly a lot more now and seldom in the country. It's a change of responsibilities and lifestyle for now. But we can only do what we can, and leave everything, EVERY SINGLE THING to God's hands, and in God's hands is the safest place where anyone can be.

That's what really touches my heart.. that Jesus has a place for us in His heart, and His Hands are huge enough to contain all of us in His loving care. God loves us and will not let us go away empty, unless we don't go to Him.

Well the doctors at UHWC recommended 1-year medical leave for me. (Initially, for fear of serious relapse). But I think I am convincing them that one semester's leave is enough, and I told them my plan.. to spread my remaining 6 modules to two semesters so that the workload in a sem will not be too heavy. I think on 2nd June they should be totally convinced and certify me fit.. FASS needs the doctor's letter by 15 June or else I can't return sch in July. It's strange lah..can't they make exceptions for medical cases..i mean from 15 June to end July there's still time to recover..

Anyway my asthma condition is supposed to be serious. Cos the underlying problem is Atypical Acute Bronchitis, and likely a case of undiagnosed asthma since childhood that turned full-blown in adulthood.. (Atypical becos it's not typical; not the usual kind, that's wat the specialist said and in my mind i tot can't you give me an explanation befitting of my intelligence, for goodness sake didn't they teach you in english class not to use back the root word of the word in definitions?)

And my paternal grandmother died of bronchial pneumonia in 1998, meaning her bronchial tubes were clogged up, that air was cut off to the lungs and she collapsed. Bronchitis is a narrowing of the bronchial tubes due to inflammation or allergens. The best part was, nobody knew she had bronchitis. She just collapsed at 4am and nobody knew why and an autopsy had to be ordered to determine the cause of death.

Currently I'm being treated for 2 medical conditions, the asthma & bronchitis being one, and something else another. Problem is, Condition A affects B and B affects A. That's perhaps why the doctors are particularly concerned. On top of that, my family medical history.

I dunno how to put this nicely, but my family, both paternal and maternal sides, have numerous medical problems. It's pretty unusual i think and if you want to use an euphemism, you could say my family is unique.

For one, Thymoma Cancer is a very rare cancer and we had two cases of it. My mom's brother and cousin died of it. Even the doctors are surprised. Cos Thymoma is so rare, every thymoma case is documented in detail for the study and research in Oncology. So the oncologists are probably very interested in my family now.

My youngest cousin, 7-year-old Kieran has a skin condition that apparently the doctors dunno wat it is and he is the first in the whole wide world that has this. I heard they are going to name his condition after a medical researcher. It's crazy. Since young, they took countless skin samples and biopsies from him to study at the World Medical Conference but it's been years and all they can do is to monitor him. He's a G6PD kid as well and G6PD runs in the family as well.

I dunno if 8-year old cousin Shannen has her CAT scan done yet. Didn't want to ask heavy-hearted Uncle Tom. She had frequent headaches and giddiness that was quite bad the doctor recommended a brain scan, besides there are incidences of brain tumours in the family.

Stroke and Diabetes are major culprits in my family. Paternal grandfather had a massive stroke of the Cerebral Artery in 2002 that rendered him paralysed, unable to speak and needs to be assisted in every aspect of daily living. Maternal grandma had a mild stroke of the right brain that leaves her left side slightly numb and probably affected her walking ability. Both maternal grandparents have had diabetes for 30 over years; Grandma's father became blind due to diabetes that's why we're concerned about her deteriorating eyesight.

Other cases of cancer, especially stomach cancer has happened quite a few times. Then some spinal issues also. Just my family nucleus alone, Mom has Cervical Spondylosis, which is a degeneration of the neck and spine bones. My sis has Scoliosis, which is a S-shaped curvature of the spine and now she's suspected to have Psoriasis which Uncle Joe was also suspected of having (remember his rash) so pray my sis's dermatologist appointment (1st June) will go well.

I had skin problems for 8 years. Today Eczema is cured, glory to God). And I had a forward curvature of the spine when i was in primary sch (can't remember the name). The doctor suggested a spine brace but because it is a highly painful treatment we didn't opt for it, and left it to God's hands and He truly took care of it, and subsequent X-rays revealed that the curvature was not worsening. (Though I am slightly hunched but i dun think it's that obvious, heh)

Well, the list goes on.. but take heart, for I can testify that in my family, God has proven Himself faithful. We feel the effects and aftermath of the ailments in the family, but at least most of us are considered to have done well so far already, of cos, with God's grace.

But as the old adage goes, Health is Wealth. How true that is. Over the years, money, time and effort has been spent on countless treatments and I have to say I thank God that even financially and emotionally (if you still don't know, illness puts great emotional strain on the family, may it be nursing the sick person or even worrying about treatment side effects), we (the entire family) are still coping ok.

The Raffles Hall Manager asked me if I am having financial difficulties because of my recent medical conditions and I don't exactly know how to answer the question. Well, we are definitely poorer as a whole, all that money and resources being drained away, but we are still managing. Seriously, medical care in Singapore costs an amazing deal. That's why I'm upset my father did not cover me with a good insurance policy. My grandparents', Uncle Tom and Joe's Medisave were entirely used up. The next step is to probably use my Mom's Medisave for her parent's medical fees cos her brothers' ones are depleted.

My 80-year-old paternal grandfather has had massive stroke for 3.5 years now. He was a reasonably rich businessman, has 9 children and owns a big house, shops, property and stocks. He was lucky in his younger days and profited from stocks and buying pieces of land that is today's prime land. He came from China, started a business from scratch, and planned to have my father, his eldest son, to take over the family business. Thence my father was educated in Teochew to maintain traditional roots in the business and his brothers and sisters all educated in English schools so that they could survive on their own in future.

Probably for my grandfather's explicit intention to hand the business solely to his eldest son, my father is not close to his 8 siblings. In fact sometimes the rest all seem to be one gang against him. The strangest thing happened. My father was not interested in the family business whereas all his brothers were. I have no idea if my father had a fallout with his father for he is a man of few words. Apparently my father wanted to rely on his own ability and carve out a fortune out of his own hands and worked for other people once he finished sch. Even until today, my nucleus family is not bonded to my father's side of the family, for neither he is. And we were always given a notion to stand up on our own feet and not rely on other people, as in don't count on inheriting money from my grandfather, and not even my own father.

But my father managed to build up his own fortune and at one time we were rather well-to-do. He owned 4 houses in Singapore, not counting those overseas and bought his own car, all by his own ability. His brothers stayed with the family business, and perhaps due to notions of not needing to work hard and relying on family inheritance, none of them has bought their own car even till this day. The car my 3rd uncle drives is totally paid for and maintained by my grandfather and it is a hushed up thing that the apartment his nucleus family lives in is bought by my grandfather.

Unfortunately, my father was not lucky all the time. Greed can get the better of Man and he lost a lot of money through failed investments, business ventures and the stock-market. We downgraded our apartment from a private one to the current HDB one we're staying in now. And my dad had to sell off 2 condo units and even the remaining unit is bleeding us becos of bad rental times and a tenant who was a fraud and owed us a lot of money. Not forgetting the cost of medical treatment over the years.

It didn't help that my father's siblings seems to misunderstand him (and us). My father loves to brag, and perhaps due to human envy that he build his own wealth on his own, or maybe they were jealous of my father becos they thought it can't be possible that my father is so capable so it must be that my grandfather handed him money secretly. Whatever the case, i guess the money struggle and inheritance-hungry-syndrome has somewhat relaxed a bit since my father's wealth started to deplete and with all the medical crises in the family.

Even his father, who is definitely richer than him, is certainly poorer because of the finances that has to be poured into the treatment of his massive stroke, so there is less inheritance to talk about. Another maid had to be hired becos the house is a big one. At one point, there was a full-time nurse but that was really costly. Then the physiotherapy sessions and medicines.. and a youngest son who owes a huge debt and is at risk of being declared bankrupt.

And on my mom's side, Uncle Tom can still hold on becos my parents and Uncle's Joe's wife's family helped in the cost of his cancer treatment. Imagine 4 years of cancer treatment.. the sum is astounding. But I know ever since Uncle Tom left the RSAF he faced a major pay-cut. And my own nucleus family will still do okay as long as my dad has his job i think. It was harder when my dad faced a pay-cut of 27% due to bad economic times but with prayer and God's Mighty Hand, we survived and are still surviving.

Haha, i guess this seems pretty lengthy, but is only a summary of what my family's been through over the years. Dunno why I'm writing this either, i guess suddenly i felt compelled to share a testimony of God's providence and sustenance to me and my family. Tata for now, i got to sleep.. have Bible Study in the morning, NUH medical in afternoon and meeting with my layout head.. God bless you =)

Ying made my day..despite the disappointing medical

2005-05-24T23:16:00.000+08:00

Been a while since i've blogged, isn't it? Haha.. Anyway had a pleasant surprise this morning from Yingchuan when he phoned me from USA to wish me Happy Birthday.. heh heh.. thanks bro you made me smile.. realli lookin forward to you coming back in June..

Well been a bit quiet cos had some necessary family stuff to do and was recuperating.. had 4 asthma attacks in the past 2 weeks and so wasn't exactly doing too good. So today's medical didn't go as well as expected sigh.. didn't get the certified fit letter i wanted.. so have to return for another review.. and I was given one more medicine today so my drugs list is now 6 instead of 5 but thankfully no more once-upon-a-time 11.

Have to inhale this preventer medicine now on top of ventolin. And doctor wants me to be conscientious on my peak flow readings and adjust the dosage based on that.. so it's very mechanical now.. recording measurements and take medicine according to that..

Haiz.. whatever la.. still have a respiratory test function to do at NUH this thursday.. and thanks mom for being my faithful chauffeur.. tried to take public transport on Sunday.. bus then MRT to cityhall to meet Syl before she returns to Medan but so funny once i boarded the MRT i started having an asthma attack haha.. when Syl saw me, inside of me i was trying very hard to do things normally.. so i gung-ho too much then on the way back.. i was really super tired and had to meet unfriendly cigarette smoke in Bedok bus interchange and that kinda did it.. but managed to rest well on Monday so that's good and syl don't you start feeling bad or anything k *warning to you* =p

Hey! Have any of you heard about crocodile meat boiled with TCM herbs being good for asthma.. not the meat.. the boiled soup.. haha.. anyway i had to drink 2 boils of it eeks haha

At Tua Koo's Funeral

2005-05-08T21:10:00.000+08:00

Thank God for his strength and sustenance. When I came back from the wake on Tuesday night, I rested, felt better, and was sure I want to deliver the Eulogy on Thursday at the Funeral Mass. Aunty Cons approved, and she gave me ten min for Eulogy. She said Tua Koo would want to hear my voice.

I know my father and my other uncle, Koo Koo, were not too sure if I could handle it due to my health condition. But God was so great and awesome, on Wednesday I felt much better and composed and when I started to write a Eulogy on Wed late morn, God gave me a song. I finished writing the song for Tua Koo "Till We Meet Again" shortly after lunch and went to take a long nap.

With continuous prayer and trust in the Lord, by Wednesday night, I knew I was ready to deliver the Eulogy on Thursday. I had to go on God's strength.

And God was good indeed. Thursday I sang the song, delivered a Eulogy deserving of Tua Koo, also sang "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" and saluted Tua Koo. It was a grand funeral mass. Many were touched by God.

Then came the moth. It was this huge, beautiful moth. Very harmless. It stayed in Koo Koo's house for a few days. My grandma says it's Tua Koo, visiting us. I didn't know abt it, and one day when i walked up the stairway, it flew a few circles in front of my face and then rested on the wall, eye-level before me. I stared at that big beautiful moth (i thought it was a butterfly and wonderin how did such a big thing get in here?) I didn't scream or anything, it was so harmless, so i left it alone.

It was much to the dismay of the other family members who said if i had alerted them abt the moth then and there, they would all have seen it. It was later that i realised why they were so upset. To me, I believe Tua Koo is in Heaven with God, and that moth is just a sign from God to us to send us peace and comfort. And to me, to send a message from Tua Koo to say he loved the song and the Eulogy, and that he has forgiven me for my drifting away from him.

So now, life has to go on as usual. But thank God we can count on His grace and blessings. Brennan was discharged from the hospital yesterday. His pneumonia is better. Poor boy, in hospital for 10 days, and Aunty Susan and Koo Koo had to take shifts in the hospitals and all this happened while the wake was going on. Thank God for Pa, Mom Jared and Em to help out in the wake and help take care of grandparents and me. Although Grandpa and Shannen are down with fever for the moment, but I believe God will heal them soon.

~Till We Meet Again~

2005-05-07T21:01:00.000+08:00

You loved me dearly and took me as your own
You watched me grow up, I’d never be the same
Then I drew away from you, I had my work to do
But you were an angel, you loved me just the same

You held me tightly and cried your tears of love
You hugged me once more and said remember to be strong
Take lots of care you must, now child I have to go
I will be back real soon so till we meet again
Meet again

And then it happened…

But how could it be so
He loved us so
He was a good man
Favoured by God

But we must not forget what Joe taught us
He said trust in the Lord

God in His gentle mercy hugged you in His arms
He knew what’s best for you and took you in His care
God loved you deeply, He had a plan for you
Jesus held you tightly, you were never alone

God smiled at you and said now child you have to go
Take my hand and walk like you’ve always done before
Joe we miss you tenderly, we know you loved us so
Take lots of care we must to till we meet again
Meet again
Meet again

Composed & Written in Loving Remembrance of Joseph See Chiang Meng by Rachel Tan S.H.

Tua Koo...my foster father

2005-05-06T19:49:00.000+08:00

I was well enough to go to the wake on Tuesday night accompanied by Shawn, Lydia and Weihao. After the surprise visit from Gillian, Fazley and Evan when they came to cheer me up while Shawn and Lydia waited in the car. Heh..thanks guys. I brought the Tribute along and it was put up in front of the casket next to my flowers.

Aunty Constance hugged me and told me Tua Koo loved me very much, said he kept telling her he saw me since i was a baby and watched me grow up, and she cried that he couldn't live long enough to see me get married and have children. Even Aunty Kit said Joe loved me very much and brought me to her house very often when i was small.. i can only vaguely remember going to her house once..

All of Joe's buddies, Bernard, Peter, Jeffrey... smiled at me and said "Ya i remember you Rachel, as a little girl." Tua Koo always brought me around.. and showed me off to his buddies.. I wonder whether Tua Koo told them how heart-broken he was when I drifted away from him when i got busy with work and when he and my mom had a fantastic quarrel and i wasn't allowed to call him anymore.

It really hit me so hard then, that Tua Koo loved me so unfailingly and he never once complained abt me spending little time with him when i got older; he was always understanding toward my work. When I told him abt the hall production Poppy, the soundtrack, my Phoenix.. he always understood.

He treated me like a daughter. All the amusement park rides he took me to , the overseas holidays.. the times i stayed at his house.. his presents.. his love.. the high-fives we gave each other.. We even had a hand gesture "hang loose" which he taught me and the gesture was unique to only the two of us.

In his last four years on earth when he battled cancer stage 4B fiercely, he went through a great, great deal. In and out of hospitals, countless chemotherapies, allergic reactions, side-effects to steroids, even the blood clots in his lungs.. he was beyond recognition sometimes. The times when i visit him once a week or once in 2 weeks and realise he changed so much in that 1 or 2 weeks. He was always glad to see me and despite his agony with his skin broken and his bloated body, he will smile and crack his jokes to me. He was amazing. I will smile at him, stroke him, encourage him and sometimes pray for him, but when i'm back alone in my room i really broke down and cried many times for i felt so much for him, my heart bled.

I cannot begin to fathom his pain and suffering. How every organ went haywire, such that his lungs had blood clots and his liver had pus. How his skin broke out in a terrible rash all over that left him with painful sores and broken skin. How he lost weight till he was skin and bones and then became bloated and swelled up. He was in so much pain. But he persevered.

There were a few times the doctors thought he would really go anytime and once i kept vigil in the hospital with Aunty Cons when the doc said he would go that night. But in his courage and faith in the Lord, he came out of every trial. The doctor long forgot the 6-months he gave him, and called Tua Koo, Joe the Fighter. He wrote a special note that this patient is very special and must ICU at all cost. Usually terminally ill stage 4B patients won't be ICU-ed.

He fought so hard and well that he got better toward his last months and could fulfil his two last wishes: to move into his new apartment and to make a pilgrimage to Lourdes. I went for his house blessing in April; it was beautifully furnished, exactly in his taste. And he insisted on visiting me on the day of his departure to Lourdes. That was his last visit to me.

And when he returned from Lourdes on 30th April and was admitted to SGH, I insisted on visiting him against my father's wishes for i had a fever that day. And that was my last visit to him.

The Lord kept him and was amazingly good to him. He took him when his spirit was ready and when he fulfilled all his last wishes. Jesus, I cannot thank you enough for your mercy and goodness toward Tua Koo. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

A Tribute to a Very Special Person

2005-05-03T10:48:00.000+08:00

To my most dearly beloved Tua Koo, the late Joseph See Chiang Meng, who passed away in Intensive Care on May 1st, 2005.

Who was diagnosed with thymoma cancer stage 4B in 2001, who fought bravely and courageously in the Lord against all odds and did not bow down to the 6 months the doctor gave him. You lived a glorious 4 years and you are truly a model of strength.

To my darling Tua Koo who loves me very very much, who came specially to visit me, before flying off to Lourdes on a pilgrimage, to check my asthma was ok. Who held me tightly in his arms and cried tears of concern and told me to get well soon. Who sms-ed me non-stop while in Lourdes, instructing me to see a specialist, out of deep concern.

I remember how when you came back from Lourdes, in the cancer ward, in your agony and delirium, you shouted “how’s Rachel, how’s her asthma?”, and I walked up to you and stroked you. I wanted to tell you I love u very much but there was a knot in my throat. I left the card behind with those words. Aunt cons tried to read the card to you but she said you weren’t sombre enough to understand. Later you slipped into a coma. But I know you heard those words from my heart.

You are fondly remembered. I will always remember the funworld rides you, Aunty Constance and I took together, how we always jalan-jalan together, how we played Monopoly through the night and you fondly named me “monopoly freak”.

Of how you gave me happy childhood memories—my most treasured memories, during my young tender years when my father was absent and my mother was bedridden with illness and my siblings were fostered out to another family.

How I stayed with you and Aunt Constance and Gong-Gong and Ma-Ma in Blk 32. You were the only family I knew then. I hardly knew my siblings until they were claimed back from their foster parents. Emmeline’s foster mother wanted to buy her because she wanted a daughter so much. And emmy couldn’t part with her either because she thought auntie Jenny was her mother.

Indeed, parting is such sweet sorrow. You were like a father to me. You have no children and you treated me like your own. When you passed away, Aunt Constance told me you loved me very very much; I was your favourite. I knew that already.

Thank you for your love. I’m glad you’re Home with the Lord now; in a better place. I know you’re in peace now. I can imagine you smiling up there. I will miss your jokes and your laughter.

They didn’t let me see you in ICU because I was too weak and I’m not allowed to attend your wake or funeral until I’ve recovered. But I’m making good progress, getting tremendously better everyday. Yesterday I could even go to the florist to order and select a heart-shaped flower basket for you. They say it’s in front of your casket now.

(Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again from Phantom of the Opera)
Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say good-bye
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say good-bye

Good-bye Tua Koo.

With Love,
Rachel

Coughing out red

2005-04-30T01:03:00.000+08:00

We had a long day on Thursday. The NUH part took more than 3 hours. So took my medicines and went to sleep. Tomorrow still have to go clinic for follow-up.

Friday morning, 15th April. I awoke coughing. It’s usually like that cos u get a lot of phlegm stuck inside. You’ll be lucky to have an entire night of uninterrupted sleep. Otherwise you’ll be waking up to cough up phlegm and spit it out. Becos I had been largely confined to the bed, i haf rolls of tissue and a dustbin next to my bed, and bottles of water, thermometer, and a box of medicines.

But that morning my spit was all bloody. I had encountered bloody spits before in J1 & 2 but this time was a bit more jialat. A lot of blood. I was just spitting out pools of red. I even checked to see if I had a cut on my tongue in case the blood came from there. I was like, shit I must try to cough less lest I injure my throat walls further.

Anyway, coughing is a painful experience lah. Since this is my blog I shall bore you with boring details. You cough till your throat hurts, your abdomen becomes so delicate and sore. You scared to cough cos of the pain, you want to cough less. But if u dun cough out the phlegm, you’ll choke on it. You cough becos the phlegm irritates your throat and your body tries to expel the phlegm. To cough or not to cough? How? Sigh.

And unfortunately, my sis didn’t want to go to school Friday morning. So spent a couple of hours coaxing her and finally we were successful. We set off in the car and she reached school at 9.15am. I know she feels sucky to go to school so late. It’s like, so late liao, u rather not go. But darling, that’s not the way. I made u go to school becos u can’t just keep skipping school. That’s not the way. I don’t want Pa and Jad to just leave the house without u becos they try to drag u but u just refuse to go. You know they can’t wait forever becos then Pa and Jad will be late for work. I know you know that. That’s why u jus refuse to budge n move, hoping they’ll leave then u dun haf to face school.

But u can’t run away forever. That’s why I made it that Jared take a cab go to NS, then Mom send Pa to work so he won’t be late, then send you, then send me to the clinic. I hope u see that by your one action of refusing to go to school, you affect all the other family members. We could jus leave u and not care u. But we love u too much for that. And it takes a lot of effort to re-organise everyone, jus so that it’s ensured u go to school. I could continue playing those games with u but do u really want that? You are blessed with a very high IQ, higher than any of us, but I’m more experienced than u. The rest can’t take your games, so I play along with you. But is this really wat u want? An endless game of wits? You’ll get tired of it one day one u know. I’m sick now, I haf a little less energy to talk to you. I hope u grow up and face up to life real soon. I don’t want u to hurt yourself, can u understand? You’re already 16. A young lady. I understand how u feel. I also played truant in school last time. But it’s no use one. Will only hurt yourself.

The Asthma Story..How i ended up in A&E

2005-04-30T00:31:00.000+08:00

So. What exactly happened, is the question. That's what a lot of pple are asking. That's wat my second uncle was trying to clarify wif me over the phone about. Sigh. I dun realli know either, it's a long story. Forgive the unclearness, if any. I'll try to be as clear as possible.

I kinda started having a sore throat and a cough over the April Fool's weekend. By Tuesday Gillian insisted i go see a doctor. Felt kinda sick so i slept most of the time. Wednesday it rained so i decided to keep out.

Thursday, 7th April i saw the doctor at YIH. Coughing 4 days already. He found out I had a bad long bout of asthmatic cough in JC1 and JC2 then he made me blow into something and examined me further. Then he said it's asthma. I raised my eyebrow.

"Couldn't it be a cough that's just seems asthmatic, like last time?" (In my head i was thinking shit i haven't bought my insurance policy yet and i don't want to declare asthma)

He explained my PEFR reading was low. He's sure it's asthma. He said he'll give me an inhaler. I said I don't know how to use an inhaler. But i was on ventolin pills last time. He said no he doesn't want to give me pills, he wants me to use the puff cos it's faster. So he taught me how to use the inhaler device.

In retrospect, i thank the doctor cos i think he saved my life by prescribing the inhaler.

Next few days still coughing. Chest tightness. The scary thing was that by Monday I was really knocked out. Just so tired. And weak. And breathless. Body so sore from all the coughing. Confession: i didn't use the inhaler 4 times a day as prescribed. Becoz i was sleeping most of the time. N i wasn't used to using the device, i think sometimes i didn't puff it correctly.

Thursday, 14th April my mom drove me to the doctor at YIH. Very tight chest. Difficulty in breathing. That's when the drama started to unfold.

The doctor ordered one round of ventolin nebulizer to ease my discomfort. The nurse took me to the treatment room, sat me down, strapped the face mask around me. Inhaled the gas for about 5-10 min. Made me feel better. But the doctor still didn't think it was good enough. He ordered a second round. I walked back to the treatment room. Perhaps it's the walking and the super cold air at UHWC. The clinic aircon is realli quite cold.

Coughing very badly when i sat down. Face mask got strapped to my face again. This time, it was very bad. I was coughing non-stop and gasping for air, wheezing and fighting to breathe. The nebulizer didn't help. I couldn't breathe. I was suffocating. My mind was whirling. I was very desperate. I fought very hard in my mind to calm down, relax and try to suppress the cough. My mind was screaming i couldn't breathe!! N i screamed back in my mind, BREATHE!! Don't panic!! At that moment i knew, it must be terrible to suffocate to death. I straight-away thought of my first uncle with 4th stage cancer who experienced breathlessness cos the cancer affected his lungs. So this is wat breathlessness is about.

My mom had to hold me to help me back to the doctor's room. The doc checked my breathing. Then he asked my mom to go out to have a word with me.

"There's something i have to let u know. N that's the severity of asthma. Don't take it lightly," he said. "Teresa Teng died of an asthma attack. So take it seriously." He wanted to ward me to be observed, but i was reluctant. He examined me again. Asked me to show him how i use my inhaler. He's a really good doctor, come to think of it.

He called my mom back in. Then he said he wants me to go NUH A&E immediately, and let the doctors there decide if i need to be warded. If i wasn't warded, he wants me to return tomorrow for a follow-up.

Thankfully, my mom drove. So she drove me there. NUH did a chest X-Ray. Lungs are normal, except for inflammation in the bronchial tubes. So the report said acute bronchitis. When I read the report i got quite shocked and upset cos they got a few things wrong. They put the chief complaint as coughing but i was having an asthma attack and had difficulty breathing. Anyway i kinda lost confidence in NUH cos the MO nearly forgot to prescribe the steroid. Thank God my mom asked her and she was like "ok i'll add that in for you". Oh man, so jialat. She said my lungs are not infected, so don't have to be warded. Thank God.

So we went home with a whole bunch of medicines and a slightly heavy heart.

no good

2005-04-29T22:35:00.000+08:00

Today was no good. Had a fever that didn’t go down and by evening I just had to take 2 paracetamols cos of the headache and discomfort even though paracetamol is no longer on my list of medication for the time-being. The new antibiotic was supposed to take care of the infection and fever. Avelox 400mg. This is already the 3rd course of antibiotics. And thanks to Avelox, it makes me nauseous and have giddy spells. I mean, I’m suspecting it’s Avelox, though the specialist (saw a specialist on Monday) thinks it’s another drug that’s making me nauseous. Well I don’t know. Giddy spells is the most recent side-effect I’m facing now. But it’s just 7 days of Avelox. So I think just hold on a few more days and hope the infection subsides by then.

28th April 2005, Thursday

2005-04-28T23:07:00.000+08:00

Today is an important day!! First day in so long that:

1) NO FEVER AT ALL the entire day!!!
2) Didn't have to use inhaler more than 2 times
3) Woke up at 9am and still awake now (it's 11pm now).. didn't have to be bedridden at any pt
4) I look in the mirror and can smile more.. cos I see more colour returning to my face

And I came online!! So much better today.. really THANK GOD.. realli feel the difference today.. though i slightly overstrained when i washed the dishes jus now.. but hey, i washed the dishes! Haha! At least I can do more useful things these few days, don't have to be served all the time..

*BIG WIDE GRIN*

oh and sylvana asked me how much weight i lost, i told her i dun tink i did cos i still look fat.. but jus now i stepped on the scales n realised i actually did lose 1-2 kg.. roughly there.. yup but my face still look fat.. aiyah haha

It's been a while

2005-04-28T21:00:00.000+08:00

Well hello hello.. been quite a while isn't it? Yup haven't updated anything.. sorry i've been totally out of action.. but well well at least now i'm well enough to type... TODAY FIRST DAY NO FEVER AT ALL!!!!! woohoo thank God! Got a lot to say.. so keep posted.. i'll be updating my blog

songs of assurance

2005-03-19T03:57:00.000+08:00

When I am Afraid
When I am afraid I will trust in You
I will trust in You
I will trust in You
When I am afraid I will trust in You
In God whose Word I praise
In God I trust,
In God I praise
When I am afraid I will trust in You
In God whose Word I praise

--"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid"--Psalm 56:3-4

Thy Word
Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path
When I feel afraid, think I've lost my way
Still you're there right beside me
Nothing will I fear
As long as you are near
Please be near me till the end

And then I heard it. A still small voice. "I am with you always". I bowed down.

It is written. Matthew 28:20. "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." --Jesus

Feel the Rhazz!!!

2005-03-04T06:15:00.000+08:00

The Rhazzamatazz week also was the mid-sem break (4 pathetic days only).. Mon and Tues were UCC days to get the lights and sound right.

I had hoped to do my SC3202 readings and tutorials.. but i ended up carrying the book around with me to and fro hall.. it wasn't just rhazz lah.. i had the phoenix carwash coming up.. i tot carwash would be easy to do (well peter said so haha). Okay, i really thought easy as in chicken-easy. But. . .

Thank God there was Shuyi to help.. and later on, Baolei.. And really thank God for the nice Bizcomm and DnD people like Bernard, Jiahui and kimmy who explained to me ever so patiently the logistics of carwash.. even weihan gave me leftover carwash shampoo haha.. and i didn't even ask him..

Rhazz on Tuesday!! Oh I love Rhazz and all the people who made it possible!!! You guys are the greatest!! Awesome to see how a concert gets put up together... as a concerted (no pun intended) effort by everyone... kudos to culture comm, tech team, and all culture groups.. you guys made me proud to be part of rhazz..

Guess wat i was doing for rhazz? Ok rachel is pretty mad, wanting to experience all things.. so this year i played keyboard and narrated for drama.. both i'll consider minor parts.. but i had fun learning.. Like the keyboard, whoa it was terrible at first.. the last time i played piano in front of an audience was in Pri 5 in a concert.. super long ago man.. heh

Hmm i stretched myself a lot this time.. by the time my carwash was over on thursday i was dead beat cos haven't slept a single wink the previous night.. but the whole week was so miraculous cos God sent so many angels.. i had carwash shampoo, cloths, sponges (all in excess) passed to me from the other comms heh.. and my comm and the auxes did such an incredible job we washed 100 cars and made more than 500 bucks hehe.. so much for the mid-sem break lack of cars concern hee.. Thank you God.. thank You

CommHall Run Week

2005-03-04T04:47:00.000+08:00

Woh.. Time flies. So many weeks of not updating my blog. Seems like busy busy times.. hmm

Well I survived the valentine's day to stardust final week.. thank God.. which incidentally was the rhazzmatazz commhall run week.. gosh everyday there was something.. sunday night i was still searching for backup singers for Stardust.. and thank God there was Kelvin. He, sylvana and jane were fantastic to work with.. you guys really made my week.. your enthusiasm, liveliness, just marvellous!! without you guys, I couldn't have done stardust.. thanks and kudos

Then monday still rehearsing, tuesday had audition AND cell steamboat!! haha... the food was great! and thanks cordy and the rest of you for being so sweet and settling the whole steamboat hehe.. all i had to do was come and eat haha... oops evan, your rice-cooker still in my room =p

Wednesday was IHG dinner where gillian and i emcee-ed.. thanks gill, without u i would haf definitely been more stressed.. then drama n unplugged rehearsal.. no time for stardust rehearsal liao.. oh we passed the audition =)

Thursday was EOGM so I postponed the Phoenix meeting.. I was happy to see the people who came for EOGM.. it's like, the feeling i had throughout was hey, there are still people who care about hall, or at least want to try to care.. it felt warm. felt good. i shared a few words in eogm, some heartfelt thoughts.. and even after eogm, i still held on to the hope that there will be people who care about hall who will make a difference..

Then came Friday.. the Stardust Finals.. honestly I was a little tired by then and a little fearful cos of lack of rehearsals but syl and jane are so adorable.. they are so encouraging!! We all met with kel just 2 hours before the whole thing to practise.. heh.. Seeing them rehearse with me and watching how they encourage me just proved a certain point clearer to me.. People indeed have great power within them to make a difference.. What you do or say can really impact a life or lives.. Conversely, even what you do not do counts.. And the ministry of lives is what I believe in.. Just think about it.. people can change the world.. cliche? well, think again..

No wonder God gave humans the onus of spreading the Gospel. God tasked us with that, not angels. You may ask why not angels? Isn't it better for God cos angels should be more convincing, they're supernatural.. I think it's because God knows the potential we have within.

Sat and Sun back to commhall runs again.. things were certainly picking up cos you can see tech really learning their ropes fast and things went much smoother.. we are more ready for Rhazz yay! Once again, thanks all who in one way or other helped me to tide through the week.. thanks cordy and carl for being the avid supporters.. esp cordy who is like my number one cheerleader heh.. i know u're superbly busy with your schoolwork.. thanks gal for always being there.. grin.

Well, and to a certain person..i still didn't find the chance or time to talk to u yet.. okay this one my fault.. i've been too busy.. Stop making excuses rach. bleah.

Looking up to Heaven

2005-02-18T02:42:00.000+08:00

It is in these times that you learn about what it is to pray. Sadness and loneliness we've all been through it. We fall down and we get up again. Sounds real easy but it's so hard to do i tell you. Especially when you're out of energy.

I struggle. And in hard times I fight to hold my ground. Sometimes I hear that reassuring voice.. "Be strong, rachel, be strong.." and sometimes I do not; it's the other voice I hear.. Yet i try to fight back the sadness and try to get out of that muddy pit that seems so deep you can't get out of it.

But never.. never before have i seen myself crumble the way i did after i got my results. It's a combination of factors and an accumulation of issues that have been swept under the carpet. When i thought things could not get worse, but only better.. i received an F grade for one module in year 3 sem 1. I dunno how to describe my disappointment.

I didn't want to talk about results or think about my modules for the following semester. I did the strangest thing.. i ignored and pretended it wasn't there. I tried to forget it.. everyday I tried. But you can never hide from what's real. You just have got to face it. You can never rewrite history. But you can write the present chapter.

I was so foolish. I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel like doing anything at all.. i would just sit in my room doing nothing.. I found it hard to pray and hard to continue praying cos I was looking for a change in the results, not a change in my heart. Everyday i was the great pretender. Those few days i felt so alone by myself in my room. I was aimless. And gradually I got worse.

All sorts of thoughts came in. The weirdest stuff. All the lies. And I believed them. For that darkest moment, i didn't know wat was true anymore. I gave in to satan. He had me believe that even God can't help me now. that i could never get back into God's presence. that it is utterly pointless for me to continue living.

They were such terrible lies.

You can always turn to God. Always.

why won't you look at me

2005-02-17T03:36:00.000+08:00

Why is is that he won't even look at me now?.. Am i invisible? Am i that detestable.. Do i have a heart of steel that i can't feel?

Wat has exactly gone wrong? Please tell me what I did wrong.. Why won't you even look at me now? Will you forgive me?

Is this it? Has the friendship come to an end? Please don't let it be... don't let it be a time of mourning again for me.. mourning for a lost friendship

The loneliness echoes deep. The feeling is familiar and suddenly i am reminded of how a very good friendship ended years back. Once upon a time i had a close bosom friend. She was the only one i can say i was truly close to..our hearbeat was the same..I knew her heart and she knew mine..we would always spend time together..though we went to different universities..we hung out almost everyday..at coffeebean or mcdonald's or somewhere..

We will just sit at some place for hours on end.. we didnt' have to do much.. we just enjoyed each other's company.. we could tell each other anything and everything.. we knew each other's thoughts before we even told them to each other.. we trusted each other so much.. and i'll let her trim my eyebrows for me haha..

Then over one guy, we drifted apart... and i lost my bosom friend.. over one guy.. can u believe it.. these things do happen. I was so alone after that. No one else knew me. And i plunged myself into doing lots of stuff.. i had to busy myself to preoccupy my mind.. That semester 2 of year 1 i got horrendous grades.

I thought i found someone like her again. Finally I thought I found a bosom friend. Was i wrong? How did things between us end up so strained that i feel you resent me now?

Back are the days of crying myself to sleep every night. The loneliness is so hard to bear.. it envelops me and echoes the emptiness inside.. i turn over and bury my face in my tear-soaked pillow..

HarLOW there!!

2005-02-13T23:29:00.000+08:00

My my...this is my BLOG!! Welcome welcome...heh.. I decided to create this blog and see how long I can sustain updating it haha.. Been wanting to write an online diary for a long time but never got down to doing it.. But I must disclaim disclaim...whatever I write here is just my thoughts and opinion.. I'll exercise freedom of expression with a little discretion.. but anything you feel not right in what I post, you're welcome to post me a comment...=) Woohoo~~quite exciting eh..